Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bending My Own Rules

(My additions are in purple)
SWF who isn't asking too much
I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.
I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.
-non smoker
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions Because the 13 I already have might get lonely
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction Because I suffer from OBS (Overactive Bowl Syndrome) and my diaper only holds so much
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture Wicker killed my childhood pet dog, Frank
-must be 420 friendly April 20th is my favorite date!
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS I'm sorry, my back sheds a lot
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary I'm far too lazy to get off my ass and get my 2 liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew, so you need to know how
-some knowledge of vintage wine Boons Farm 2001 is my favorite!
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad That's what my Community College French Professor called me "A Broad"
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser I will fucking KILL YOU if you get this wrong, too
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men My cats flush, too
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas Bums that can't play an instrument or sing and fry slingers are my type
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys Or Musicians!
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins Why are you tilting your head at me like that? Never heard of them? They were out-of-work a few weeks ago.
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack) Ryan Jacob Bernstein, stop sitting on that cat's head! Your B is scaring him! Damn kids.
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant Or Wendys
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5 So that would be 4 or 7, just incase you were confused.
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards) They skeer me
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders. Or fax machines and copiers.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert Dilbert's eyes follow me where ever I go and it's really creeping me out, man!
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town It's my only chance to see my parents. They're headliners in the side-show
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson "See Spot Run" count, though
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen or atleast thumbed through them
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF ********
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access and if I'm not your number one, I will shove that phone up your nose sideways then donkey punch you right in the face
-must love pinball and not play ping pong but you have to bring the quarters
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films I'm still pissed that Pretty In Pink and Home Alone 2 never won Oscars! It's got to be rigged!
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind She should be more like ME
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification since I choke while bathing often
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too! My drug supplier keeps a tight schedule and doesn't like to wait.
-NO FELONS!!! If you've been caught, go away.
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience) He couldn't make dinner or bring me my soda. It was too much for me.
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable but will settle for Community College
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours since I don't think it's right for you to go more then 10 minutes without me being in contact. Just remember, if I can't talk to you, I will start shocking your balls until I can figure out where the yelping is coming from. Don't make me do that.
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores Either eat plants or eat animals, not both! Eggs and butter don't count if they're in chocolate. If I catch you eating a burger with lettuce on it, I will turn the switch to 10 and hold down the button for 3 minutes.
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS Colorado beer makes me queef too much
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse. Skirts are okay though

I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics. ~M

Normally, I edit some posts for length purposes or private information. Sometimes you find an ad that goes on and on and frankly, I have the attention span of a hamster on crack and just don't want to read the whole damn thing. Call me lazy.

This chick is far too rich to edit. I’m completely surprised she hasn’t requested that you send the girth measurement for around your cock and balls so she can see if she has a shock collar handy that will already fit. After all, why should she bother to purchase a new form of punishment for when you walk with just a slight too much spring in your step after shitting out a log the size of a baby’s arm that left a Hersey swirl on her pristine toilet bowl.

M, the sex with you better be fucking fantastic, and you better swallow, because that is about the only way you’re going to keep a guy from calling Animal Control to come pick up your foaming-at-the-mouth-crazy ass. ****Why must the ability of converting MS Word Docs into PDF be a criteria on who would be a life-long mate option? Is this some new fetish that I was unaware of?

I’m sure the mass collections of men in the world suffer from a strange phenomenon whenever M lets out her mating call. They start gasping for air as the contents of their ball-sacks race up into their body cavity at mach 3. Sperm curdles, grown men weep and I’m sure at least a handful end up sucking their thumbs and wetting their pants.

A man will never win with a women like M. You will lose and you will be humiliated in the process…


CutNJump said...

Wow that is some damn list! I only got half way through it.

Sounds a bit stranger than fiction though.

What a prude! Probably bitch out her vibrator if it didn't 'perform' to her exacting standards.

RebelJubilee said...

Oh, my. Please let that be a joke. Please, God, there can't be a woman out there giving the rest of us horrible, horrible reputations. (Cause you know how people like to generalize like that)

nip/tuck said...

Mary, LOVE the blog. I read a few posts a while back, but haven't visited in quite some time. Anyway, I'm a fan, and now you're on my must visit daily list.

Love ya, lady! (We WWHM/WMHWers have to stick together... and if the stickiness has anything to do with those chocolate fingers in the post below, even better!)

Anonymous said...


I hope that's not real...
She is making us all look bad.

Just wow.

Ella said...

Thats just ridiculous. Why does the guy have to be exactly like her?? Ugh, disgusting.

I have one problem with the post, Mary. "You have:-must not be opposed to wicker furniture" "Wicker killed my childhood pet dog, Frank"

She doesn't want to guy to be opposed to wicker furniture. Obviously this classy broad has a home full of wicker.

Ella said...

And whats wrong with hatchbacks??? I have a nissan versa and I like it dammit!

Anonymous said...

I wonder why she hasn't found mister perfect yet, I mean she has such low standards, I can't believe someone hasn't snatched her up yet.

Anonymous said...

I wonder why she hasn't found mister perfect yet, I mean she has such low standards, I can't believe someone hasn't snatched her up yet.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

There was a list like this from a guy looking for a girl on the Cheyenne Craigslist. It was funny because he got his ass handed to him later by some other posters.

As for the original post- damn, doesn't want much, does she?
(and what's wrong with Colorado beer?)

Eccentric_Lady said...

Wow, talk about someone who's reality check bounced!

Golly what happened to a simple list, y'know? For I don't see how all those friggin' little things matter.

Sounds like a control freak. ><

Mary said...

"Sounds like a control freak" That is exactly what I thought when I found it! I'm going to force my husband to read it to show him how good he has it! ~smirk~

L said...

www.nomarriage.com has another one of these lists in between the crazy. I guess there are a number of women who think this is a-OK.

Mary said...

Back when I was single, I had a list of things that were important to me, too.

Must have all his own teeth
Taller then 5'6"
Must have a job
Must have table manners *This is a BIG one for me to this day*
No heavy drinkers
Must bath daily

That's it! Everything other then these few things were subject to the person and situation.

Fucking nutbag M here is why men consider us Womb-barers crazy. Way to go M!

Richelle said...

Wow. Just... wow.

Why doesn't she just frigging buy a parrot, since CLEARLY she wants someone to talk to who has the exact same interests as her and agree with everything she says...

I ENJOY debating with my boyfriend. I HATE it when people blindly agree with me and nod and smile.

The North Face thing freaks me out. More than three items but less than 5?? Maybe the guy has an extra few pairs of ski gloves, and suddenly makes him un-datable? Give me a break.

This woman is NUTS.

CutNJump said...

Eccentric_Lady said...
Wow, talk about someone who's reality check bounced!

Can I use that line? That is Gold!

Also last night, on one of my many bathroom trips, all I could think about was this wacko's fixation on how the paper goes on the holder.

Fuck at this point I would be happy to have a 'working' TP holder. Then- hubby to replace the roll when it is empty, not just figure the trash is over there and the extra rolls are within reach so what of it? At least they are within reach...

Much like looking at horses- some things are forgiveable- as long as the main components are in place.

CutNJump said...

-must be 420 friendly Did she mean area code perhaps...

-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser I will fucking KILL YOU if you get this wrong, too

Seriouly- Like I said I would be happy to have a funtioning dispenser.

water_bearer said...

WOW. This bitch doesn't just have issues... she's got a whole subscription.
Makes me think of that scene from the movie Singles:

Tell me, from a girl's point of view, what do you want from a guy?

Well, when I first moved
out here from Tucson...

...I wanted a guy with...

...looks, security, caring.

Someone with their own place.

Someone who said "bless you"
or "gesundheit" when I sneezed.

Someone who liked the same
things as me, but not exactly.

And someone who loves me.

Tall order.

Yeah, I scaled it down a little.

What is it now?

Someone who says "gesundheit, "
although I prefer "bless you." It's nicer.

Amaocha said...

I fail to find the vocabulary to describe this M person.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

That HAS to be a joke...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I have a pretty short list:

Great in bed (because, seriously, everything ELSE I can get from my girlfriends, so this is not negotiable)

Little to no whining. 'Cause I will tell you to STFU.

6'. I've tried, just not attracted to anybody shorter. I can be much more flexible on weight than on height.

Doesn't judge/lecture me.

High IQ...because otherwise, I will just make mincemeat of him and that gets old.

Kind to animals.



Damn near everything else is negotiable. The love of my life was my political opposite, dressed like a homeless person (even though he was a trial attorney), was a moody SOB, never bought me anything, figured I could support my horses AND his horses, blew hot and cold about me the entire 14 year length of our relationship, dumped his kids on me for entire days so he could play golf or whatever (and I am SO NOT A KID PERSON)...and still I'd take him back in a second if he hadn't gotten born again and turned boring and preachy!

Mary said...

The one that got me the most was:
"name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)"

I'll admit, I've meet very few "Joes" that I liked, but that wouldn't be a specific trait that I required. And what the hell happened with a "B" that made her point out the cats?!

Fugs, nope, not a joke. I had the hubby write it to verify. Which, look for a new entry soon with a challenge that my 6'1", swimmers build, blue eyes, dark haired, oh-so-fucking-sexy, has-all-his-own-straight-teeth, can-breath-through-his-ears and makes-my-gelding-jealous-when-he-pees-outside husband has for ya'll!

Mary said...

And I totally agree, if they suck in bed or swollow my face when they kiss me, it's done.

CutNJump said...

Ok. Shameless self promotion warning here.

Here is the blog inspired by Cathy, about bad parenting-

You're What???

I will certainly add you guys as links, as soon as I get a chance- let alone figure it out! LOL!

Let's rename it first- let me know what you think.

Mary said...

Cut, the link isn't working for me. Email it to me?

Eccentric_Lady said...

You're What???

HTML help here for ya, CNJ!

Weasel said...

I meet one of her requirements. I have all my limbs.

Besides that, I'm fucked.

Looks like I'll have to find some other crazy, psychotic LOON to date.

Anonymous said...

Aww Weas, we love you.

But according to your list, I don't meet your standards.
Back to the internet and hairy-bra men...


I'm starting to think the good ones are gone? Or in hiding?

Karmyn said...

She seriously needs to hook up with this guy.

Rhyadawn said...

this wackjob gives women a bad name.

I at one time thought my list was extensive. I know what I want in a partner, but seriously now, this is just nuts.

On the bright side, she probably will not find a sperm donor while she is still able to reproduce!

CutNJump said...

I was thinking about this psycho broad this morning and her laundry list of like/dislikes and all I could think was-

What the fuck does SHE have to offer?

Seriously people!

He must be this, that and a bag of chips.

So WHAT exactly does SHE bring to the table?

SweetPea said...

CNJ - she'd better be able to perform a blow job (and swallow) while vacuuming lint with her BUTTHOLE... Dear lord, where do these people come from? BTW, love your blog MARY, CNJ, FUGS and WEAS. It's my crack cocaine :)

SweetPea said...

I mean *blogs*... damn I'm brain dead today

SweetPea said...

And CNJ... I'm assuming your having a c-section, but just in case your not... remember to NOT rip your husbands testicles off as you're pushing. I know it seems wacky now, but you MAY actually want to have sex with him again sometime in the future LOL

CutNJump said...

Sweatpea- C section it is unless something changes between now and tomorrow morning.

One of us was getting speutered while they are at it.

We aren't doing this again!

Mary said...

C-Sections are the best. The thought of natural childbirth would send me into a tizzy and leave me feeling like I was having a heartattack. I did the CutNPull (haha, me made a funny!) with both of mine.

SassyBrunette said...

Blissfully unaware, I thought to myself, "Surely no woman's ad would ever be as terrible as the things men write. Surely no woman could do something as hideous." Wrong, wrong, wrong! And look how many comments you have!

About the time she requested 420 friendly, I was laughing SO loud, people down the hall came in to check on me. This is hall of shame material. GREAT post, Mary.

SweetPea said...

Natural? That's just wrong. There's a reason why God made epidurals!! LOL

Give me one @ 2cm please :)

Havocec said...

Ha ha ha..I have a friend like that...her mantra is "why does everyone else have a man?" dis is why

Havocec said...

...Oh..I believe that's supposed to be Kingston Trio...

How old is this bird?

I got an 80 plus y/o Auntie who's just divorced her third husband..toilet paper didn't figure into it at all.

I've been sucked into a blog hole...I may never return to work.

Tribblehappy said...

Dear god, I actually read that entire list and went crosseyed. What... the... hell.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

I went over it again and I still can't comprehend how someone could be THAT freaking choosy.

I've tried to think of a lot of the unsatisfied, nitpicky bitches I know and none of them even come close.

What the hell is up with the .PDF, cell phone and scrabulous things? I don't understand how those are important.
Or wicker furniture. Or the initials thing, or music.
OCD much?
Actually, I have a few forms of OCD. No OCD person is batshit as this woman.

Anonymous said...

Newcomer to the blog...

-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable

WTF? UPenn IS an Ivy League school...

Nosnikta said...

.... but she probably gets a kick out of farting under the covers and then covering her own head so she can enjoy it twice.

I can't even THINK of that many things that I like and/or require.

Funny... most of the guys I've dated are R, J, or Bs lmao.... Keep those Ds away from me though!!! ooo hoo hooo hoooo (shiver)

Trainer X said...

*tears streaming down cheeks* OMFG!!! ROFLMAO!! That was the funniest thing I'd ever read!!!!


Persnickety Ticker said...

That want ad alone could cause men all over the world to experience either an instant self-induce vasectomy or a switch to "bat for the other team".

Hell I am a woman and she makes even me want to run screaming!

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: