Saturday, October 25, 2008

You Like Me, You REALLY Like Me

Well folks, we've been experiencing so much traffic, I just don't know what to say! I want to thank my loyal followers who accept my poor grammar and full-fledged retardation. I'm a Blonde Pollack, so all you new-comers, please take pity on me. It's out of my control! It's genetics!

All kidding aside, I am going to be forced to go to no more then 2 posts a week. Contributions are slowing down and I'm lacking time to fuck around on the net while at work. The actually want me to earn my paychecks! Can you believe the nerve of them? Anyway, I'm also learning that us women aren't nearly as fucked up and desperate as the men, so there is less fodder. Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of gems, but I must pace myself.
In honor of CutNJump's brand new additions to her family, I've posted this weeks Fuckability Factor with the theme that so many of us have...Hot Men That Pretend To Be Cowboys. We don't care if they ride/train/own horses since we're better then them anyway and don't want their input. But if they look good in the right jeans with the right hat and either an open or no shirt, we're in egg-releasing glory!

Express Lube

I am going to be honest here - w4m - 21
I have fallen on some tough times and I don;t have enough money to pay to get my oil changed. I would like to have a man change my oil for no cost, and in return I will let you choose one of the following: First, I will give you head until you ejaculate as long as you wear a condom, or two, I will let you finger me in my pussy or asshole while I stroke you until you cum. Or, I can let you masturbate by my face while I blow warm air on your dick. I will blow for as long as it takes for you to have an orgasm. I won't actually suck your dick, but I think blowing air on it will be exciting. The guy who helps me out will be happy they did. And then we can do the same thing every time I need my oil changed if you want. I need my oil changed ASAP because I am 3,000 miles over where I am suppose to be from where I was told I needed to have my oil changed. Jessica

Where to start! If a man could get off with a hair dryer mounted to his headboard, why on Earth would he need to get greasy to shoot his 3” of ranging thunder with you? I believe the term was taken too literal with Jessica here.

Warm air being blown might be hot for say, oh, I don’t know, a woolly mammoth that is within a block of frozen Sperm Whale piss,. But for a red-blooded man, blowing your breath that smells a lot like you were eating cat turds for breakfast on his cock will get him off about as fast as watching Rosanne Barr doing jumping jacks while nude. You’re face within inches of his cock will incite the same amount of desire as old Ro’s “Hey Girl” arm wings flapping in the breeze a few short feet from his crotch.

After speaking with several of my favorite ball-sack bearers, I’ve learned the whole act of them driving their nubs into a woman’s vagina so they can massage her tonsils the hard way is just a route they take to sex. Sure, they say they enjoy it but there is a motive to their actions. Just fingering and going is not it.

By my calculations, you better be offering of $29.99 worth of service or the only men you’ll attract are those that couldn’t find their ass without TomTom GPS, let alone your oil pan. I have a better suggestion. Sell your car so you can afford it’s oil change.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bending My Own Rules

(My additions are in purple)
SWF who isn't asking too much
I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.
I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.
-non smoker
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions Because the 13 I already have might get lonely
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction Because I suffer from OBS (Overactive Bowl Syndrome) and my diaper only holds so much
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture Wicker killed my childhood pet dog, Frank
-must be 420 friendly April 20th is my favorite date!
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS I'm sorry, my back sheds a lot
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary I'm far too lazy to get off my ass and get my 2 liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew, so you need to know how
-some knowledge of vintage wine Boons Farm 2001 is my favorite!
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad That's what my Community College French Professor called me "A Broad"
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser I will fucking KILL YOU if you get this wrong, too
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men My cats flush, too
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas Bums that can't play an instrument or sing and fry slingers are my type
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys Or Musicians!
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins Why are you tilting your head at me like that? Never heard of them? They were out-of-work a few weeks ago.
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack) Ryan Jacob Bernstein, stop sitting on that cat's head! Your B is scaring him! Damn kids.
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant Or Wendys
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5 So that would be 4 or 7, just incase you were confused.
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards) They skeer me
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders. Or fax machines and copiers.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert Dilbert's eyes follow me where ever I go and it's really creeping me out, man!
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town It's my only chance to see my parents. They're headliners in the side-show
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson "See Spot Run" count, though
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen or atleast thumbed through them
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF ********
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access and if I'm not your number one, I will shove that phone up your nose sideways then donkey punch you right in the face
-must love pinball and not play ping pong but you have to bring the quarters
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films I'm still pissed that Pretty In Pink and Home Alone 2 never won Oscars! It's got to be rigged!
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind She should be more like ME
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification since I choke while bathing often
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too! My drug supplier keeps a tight schedule and doesn't like to wait.
-NO FELONS!!! If you've been caught, go away.
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience) He couldn't make dinner or bring me my soda. It was too much for me.
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable but will settle for Community College
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours since I don't think it's right for you to go more then 10 minutes without me being in contact. Just remember, if I can't talk to you, I will start shocking your balls until I can figure out where the yelping is coming from. Don't make me do that.
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores Either eat plants or eat animals, not both! Eggs and butter don't count if they're in chocolate. If I catch you eating a burger with lettuce on it, I will turn the switch to 10 and hold down the button for 3 minutes.
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS Colorado beer makes me queef too much
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse. Skirts are okay though

I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics. ~M

Normally, I edit some posts for length purposes or private information. Sometimes you find an ad that goes on and on and frankly, I have the attention span of a hamster on crack and just don't want to read the whole damn thing. Call me lazy.

This chick is far too rich to edit. I’m completely surprised she hasn’t requested that you send the girth measurement for around your cock and balls so she can see if she has a shock collar handy that will already fit. After all, why should she bother to purchase a new form of punishment for when you walk with just a slight too much spring in your step after shitting out a log the size of a baby’s arm that left a Hersey swirl on her pristine toilet bowl.

M, the sex with you better be fucking fantastic, and you better swallow, because that is about the only way you’re going to keep a guy from calling Animal Control to come pick up your foaming-at-the-mouth-crazy ass. ****Why must the ability of converting MS Word Docs into PDF be a criteria on who would be a life-long mate option? Is this some new fetish that I was unaware of?

I’m sure the mass collections of men in the world suffer from a strange phenomenon whenever M lets out her mating call. They start gasping for air as the contents of their ball-sacks race up into their body cavity at mach 3. Sperm curdles, grown men weep and I’m sure at least a handful end up sucking their thumbs and wetting their pants.

A man will never win with a women like M. You will lose and you will be humiliated in the process…

Friday, October 17, 2008

Just A Thank You

WOW! I'm in complete awe over the traffic this little project has received. Be sure to keep those ads and ego strokes coming.

Here is my little offering of gratitude. Please be sure to sit on a towel, I don't want to be responsible for soiled chairs that are ruined due to the following.

In the words of the man that started this, I fucking love you guys!

(Edited due to Ella's comment) Everyone, I'd like you to meet Josh!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd!

josh from the frat house on 15th
I'm pregnant. ~Jenny

Short, sweet and to the point. Jenny is a full-fledged slut. I’m guessing the evening transpired like this:

Jenny carefully picked out an outfit that screamed, “Take me now and you’ll never forget me!” She was sure to shave from head to toe since it was a long winter and she was beginning to rival Robin Williams. After all, what man would touch a woman whose nipples resemble a dried up Chia Pet?

Jenny made sure to put a dab of her finest knock-off perfume in all of the right places. She was on the prowl and wanted the world to know it. After fixing her hair just right and putting on her clothes, she slipped 18 condoms into her clutch just in case she caught more then one man and headed out the door.

She arrived at the kegger party and scoped out the room. She wanted young, she wanted fit; she wanted daddy’s money. Across the room she spotted her first victim. A loner, quietly picking his nose while the party raged on around him. He was perfect! He sported an onyx-faced watch, trendy, albeit poorly matched, clothing. She locked onto him like Bill Clinton with a new office assistant that has a lifetime subscription to the Cigar Of The Month club.

Slowly and with the stealth of a one-legged Emperor Penguin, she made her way to his side of the room. As he saw this woman staggering her way towards him, he quickly rubbed his fingertips under the ledge of the table he was sitting on so he didn’t have that balled up booger clinging onto the groves of his finger prints for dear life.

After exchanging witty banter that resembles the mating call of the severely inbred barn cat that is hiding somewhere outside of your bedroom window, they make their way out to Jenny’s 1984 VW Rabbit. The windows become opaque with steam as they quickly remove each other’s clothing with such skill, it would leave an Gold Medal winning under-water basket weaver in awe.

Just as the moment of glory was upon then, the young man asks, “Do you have a condom?” To which Jenny replies, “Yes! Several!” And with that, she removes what seems to be a never-ending string of individually wrapped condoms. She rips one off and hands it to her lover unaware that he had already creamed the backseat of your beloved car and was feverishly yanking at his now comatose penis.

“I need you NOW!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. He fumbled even more with his over-boiled hot dog until there was just enough life brought back into it that he could sort of roll down the glove of spermicidal wonder. Once in place, Jenny fought for her release.

Sweaty and heaving for air, she patted the young man on the top of the head and sent him on his way. As she climbed into the driver’s seat and prepared to head home, she noticed something odd. There was a condom unrolled over an old and lint-covered tootsie roll that must of escaped from her purse. Jenny, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, discarded her recent find and went home.

5 weeks later, this ad showed up. Josh, sweetie, do you remember shoving your fingers up anyone’s ass that night? That wasn’t shit on your fingers, it was chocolate and you should be expecting a subpoena for a DNA test within the next 2-4 weeks. Have a nice life!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Community College At It's Finest

Well Ladies and, ummm, Weasel (and maybe the one other guy that reads this)? Someone stepped up to the plate and hit a home run! Miss CutNJump is showing me up and I'm lovin' it! So without further ado:

New nurse looking for someone to assessI'm a quiet girl who likes to hang at home or go out, I'm not cocky and full of myself(always a plus) and I'm looking for somebody sweet who likes to have fun. I'm expecting my first little boy in a couple of monthes and I can't wait until he's here. I live at home with mom and dad for now. Looking for a new job after my surgery. I guess if I meet the right person I'll know. Looks are not everything, they can be deceiving. Sammy

Well now Sammy, several visuals are forming here… None of them are good.

Are you wanting to assess my ass, asses or my assets? Just to be clear- stay away from all three.

You are expecting a child and new to the nursing field. Did you miss the section on fertility and reproduction? Biology 101 wasn’t it? Or human anatomy? Anyways, you might be a quiet girl who likes to hang out, but look where it got you. Knocked up! You’re expecting a little one soon, probably have no contact with the dad, which many of us guess with the accuracy of an arrow shot out of Robin Hoods bow, you aren’t sure who that really is anyways. *wink* To top it off, you are living at home with your parents. What a prized 'catch' you are, Sammy!

You say it is a plus that you are not cocky or full of yourself, but really now. You must not be, since the only cock you have seen has been a few months ago now, save your vibrator in the nightstand drawer. You say you aren’t full of yourself? True, your tummy is full of someone else. Or at least the result of a couple of table spoons of protein infused, joy juice he unloaded the last time he hit it and quit it. Should have gone with the vibrator all along, Sammy. You wouldn’t be in this position. Looks can be deceiving as you say, and apparently your latest lover was too....

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Will you be my ATM?

Seeking finaincal help
Help me out, i just moved to the area and need some money for rent and some other things, it wont be cheap but we can get to know each other and see how things go. Cam

Short and sweet, don’t you think? What Cam is really saying is, "I’m a lazy slob that couldn’t get a job scraping the gum off of park benches so I want to be able to just lay on my back, twitch a little, and have my bills paid for me. However, before you can fork over half of your paychecks to cover all my needed expenses like a weekly truck load delivery of Krispy Kremes and subscriptions to all the gossip magazines as well as Cam’s running tab at KFC, you have to do what you men love to do…talk, and court, and talk, and spend money on dates, and talk, and send mushy text messages, and talk, and spend more money trying to get in my pants to find out if the sex is even worth going back for seconds let alone paying my bills."

Odds are that Cam was pushed out of the last town she lived in by an angry mob of town folk carrying torches and pitchforks. “Out you hideous beast! OUT!” They would scream into the night all while pelting poor Cam with a tasty assortment of olives. See, the town had a problem with Cam’s type. You know the type I speak of. Too lazy to work, 30 or more unfixed cats spraying their scent all over the house making it smell so strong, the town folk’s eyes burned if they got less then two blocks away. Cam would seduce the drunk men that hid in the dark corners of the area dive bars so their wives couldn’t find them, then black mail them into buying her some kitty litter and Meow Mix. The only reminder her married lover would have to remember her by was the urine and hairball stained jeans and a rash that resembled rotten cauliflower.
Want to know what men hate about women like this? EVERYTHING! The only upside is at least Cam is forward about it. Most will drag you through the mud with a false idea that they actually like you and want you to touch them!

FYI, this picture did not come with this ad. I'm assuming our poster looks more like the following:

Monday, October 6, 2008

Temporarily Out Of Order

In hopes to tie the majority of readers over, I've posted this week's Fuckability Factor. I should be back up and running with more trainwrecks towards the end of this week but until then, I'm celebrating my birthday (32 years old today...I'm a big girl now!) and my wedding.

So behave, play nice and keep those awesome emails coming!


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Killing him softly with your...clothes?

Ahhhhh, steaming hot coffee. Such a perfect way to start this entry out. I thought we'd change things up a bit. Instead of posting insane Drag Queens and Virtual Sluts, lets switch gears to what REALLY works. Our clothes. So please, go get yourself a big ol' vat of bacon flavored yogurt and enjoy this feast for the eyes.

First, let's meet Ms. Camel Toe and Ms. Moose Knuckle.

Here we have Ms. Camel Toe sporting the latest in "Come Hither" fashion with her crotch swaddling frock. The toilet paper in her hair is to wipe the drool off of her shoes once a man catches a glimpse of this Barfing My Little Pony meets Punky Bruester outfit! Rwarrrr! I can hear the zippers splitting as I type!

Think it doesn't get any hotter?
Next I'd like to introduce you to the lovely and charming, Ms. MooseKnuckle. What can we say about Ms. MooseKnuckle? She enjoys
long walks around the Buffet counter, thongs and her removable-head shower. Her dislikes include tweeter linter left behind by any Charmin product, movie theater seats and anything that isn't spandex. Ms. MooseKnuckle will take your breath away without even speaking. Do you need an inhaler? No? Okay, but if you change your mind after its too late, Ms. MooseKnuckle is licensed in CPR.

Time to meet your Son's potential Prom dates:

Bachelorette #1 is sporting the latest fashion created from slaughtering innocent baby bunnies and smearing their still warm blood in flattering, and functional, horizontal lines. Pair with a Mid-80’s Madonna styled fingerless gloves and a kicky black boy-short for every boys dream. Fuck-off-and-die look sold separately. If your son picks #1, he'll surly have a night to remember!

Date #2 comes as a package deal. The left over remains of the Homecoming party that your son doesn't even remember going to stands up, front and center. Ask him to explain later, after all, you don't want to ruin this Milestone for him by beating him repeatedly upside the head with the telephone screaming, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR FATHER AND ME?! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDMOTHER! IS THIS THE ASS OF A GRANDMOTHER?" as you force him to feel your semi-firm buttocks. Leave that mental scaring for tomorrow morning when he's suffering from a hangover and his baby's momma is safely at her home. You might want to take this opportunity to pack all his belongings and get the plane ticket to Greenland purchased. I hear it's nice there once a year!
And last, but not least, Date #3:

Date #3 hails all the way from beautiful downtown Dubuque Iowa right across of Wing C of Tom's Animal Rendering Plant! She enjoys caring for animals that haven't had their heads cut off, providing her voice for equal rights, shaving Weasel's back hair and the occasional foreign flick. She'll take care of your son's needs and be sure to buffer any impacts from speeding, out of control hot dog stands. She really makes herself known!

Now lets move on to the women that Big Boys Who Never Grew Up love:

Did you just hear that? It was the world-wide collective gulp of billions of men becoming increasingly thirsty. This was my answer to the starving 3rd world countries in Africa. They’d thirst no more. I sent my plans to FEMA, I suspect it'll be about 5 years before they around to reading it. Anyway, men, look out! You asked for it and now you have it! Stop your panting! There's more then enough to go around.

Do you remember as a young man, lying on the floor staring up with doe eyes as Sesame Street danced before you? Do you remember the fond, butterfly like feelings when they drifted off to see Mr. Snuffalumpagus? Did you know he was married? Well he was! Although he filed for divorce in 1992 because he could no longer hide his feelings for Big Bird, he still cares deeply for the former Misses. Here you see her walking through a busy market with her ex-sister-in-law, NotAsFuzzy Snuffalimpagus. They still remain close.

Here we have random acts of testoserone catching outfits.

This fetching cougar reels in the big fish with her built-in cup holder. Her crown serves as a Penis holder and she has her very own bucking strap firmly in place at her mid-section. While sharing a passionate moment, call her Shamoo and hold on for dear life! She's feisty!

This young lady sports what many call a "muffin top" but around here, it's called HANDLEBARS. The days of using pig-tails to hold on are long gone. Now the men see this as a meaty spot to sink their fingers into and turn into an out of control jack-hammer. I hear the rushing sound of ballsacks filling to the brim with sperm. You're welcome!

Do you hear a sound that resembles a hundred piece drum band? That's the sound of the racing heart of every man within a 12 block radius of this ass-eating-pants garb. They figure if a woman's ass can suck and devour material like this, their cock is in for a real treat and they won't need to sneak over into the farmer's calf barn anymore! SCORE!

Finally, our last entry in our tour of man-catching attire, it's Aunt Rosemary! You may remember her as the kind soul that gave Betty her 500 Gold and joined in their Geekdom Orgy. Aunt Rosemary's got it going on! See how the polka-dots and lopsided boobs bring out her eyes? I see you trying to hold back. Don't deny your animal urges. Take her, take her now! We'll look away, promise.

And now I go on hiatus! I'll be back later this week...maybe!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Slave Labor Rocks!

Since it's common knowledge that after this week, I won't be able to answer any of Weasel's victims ads and with the upcoming events over the next 2 weeks I will be tied up. Hopefully without being in a basement and with clown poking my belly trying to make me giggle. So posts will be few and far between. Then it struck me! Get lazy and sub-contract!

So here is your challenge, should you choose to accept it: Find an ad (they don't have to come from JUST CL but avoid Yahoo and any other copy write protected personals site), writing the commentary and attach any photos, whether they came with the ad or they help drive the point home like a hot French fry into the eye of the slow-as-fuck slob with a full cart in front of you in the 10 Items Or Less checkout line at Wal-Mart. Send them to my email!

That being said, if your ad/commentary doesn't make the front page, don't get your panties in a bunch! The way my email has been filling up lately, odds are there will be a lot of competition. I might tweak them a bit, too!

For all your hard work, you will get full credit and a 10-gallon bucket of freshly made horseshit in the mail. Hell of a deal, huh? If it's really good, I'll email directly to you Weasel's nudie picture! It's unlike anything you've ever seen! So hop to it kids!

And IIIiiiIIIiii Will Always Love YoooOOOuuuUUUU

Do you like my teddies? My likes i have many the best is to try to get your winks, if you like my red outfit. I can be talked into others. I plan to be the best gal to the best guy. I can give special candlelite dinners so I can feed him special fruits and Kbobs with chilled cider with fancy glasses with ribbons with music and slow dances in front of the electric fireplace ( LOL ) Guy must have picture knows how to dress, looks help and knows how to treat a lady. No boss and no luggage. has to want a new begging no secrets and other loves.would like him to have nice teeth. Now you know this woman what she is about. don't you really think the woman you have pictured that you will seek is her after all. this is my story and i am sticking to it!!!

I wonder if Santa Claus knows his wife is stepping out on him? I’m sure he’s far too busy playing with all the little men running around his waist. However, I hear Dancer is mighty peeved that his Twoo Luv is surfing the net trying to find someone else to touch her “teddies”. He’s a jealous little fucker.

As with most ads, she lists her requirements needed in a mate. Ironically enough, she has the nerve to say that the guy who courts her (I’m sorry dude!) must “know how to dress.” This coming from a woman that is still sporting a Bee-Hive and wearing an outfit created for 19 year old porn stars.

I could easy copy FHOTDs posting about market research and offering a product within it’s range. The same goes for todays collection of Drag Queens. If you’re looking to find a date in San Fransico, you will hit the Mother Load. If you’re looking to attract a down-home farmer, too late, he has his pigs already. There’s no need for you.

You just called an "E" asshole!

A Librarian-Petite, A bit shy, MA-library management,proper manners & moral.Esteem the family traditions & family.Prefers to think properly before my words/action. I’m Sensitive;Very Emotional-get interest for others emotions & values. There's a lot of love in heart for the right man & in return to receive it. Seek a meaningful LTR with intellectually equal companion who can command my respect & would respect also my thoughts,opinions & perspective.Passion, tenacity,tolerance & love of laughter are important.But the reciprocation on all levels& communication are essential elements in every relationship, if is to endure. Look for a complete honest,Loyal, White, Graduated, Christian man, 43-59yo who’ll love &adore me- a strong man with strong& good heart who’ll want our relationship to last forever.HIS WILLING TO RELOCATION TO ME COULD BE AN OPTION. No Piercing, Tattoos, Long-Beard/Hair. NO Black,BG,Eastern-Europe,Arabic.

WOW! This lady is a 24/7 52 weeks a year PMS sufferer. I wouldn’t be all too surprised if she rolled into Sam’s Club with her own Semi truck to get pallets worth of Pamprin. I’m about as shocked that she is single as I was seeing Clay Aiken on the cover of People proclaiming he is gay. I mean, jeez, my gadar had to be sent into the shop due to an overload during the Season 2 auditions!

When I first ran through this ad, all I could think was a lady who would beat her partner sensless with a Bible if he even thought of wearing less then full flannel pajamas to bed. She would be sure to have a box of Kleenex on each side of the bed so Skippy could wipe his member off after their hot 5 minutes of missionary sex, during which, she would skillfully solve all the puzzles on Wheel Of Fortune. The only sounds made during this previously scheduled event would be her snapping at him because his head was in the way of the TV screen.

Then I saw this-->
HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! That woman scares the hell out of me!! Some people can’t be nearly as picky as she is. It’s just the law of life. When you resemble a partially blind drag queen that got ready in the back of a 74 Volkswagon Rabbit that had no shock or suspention system left, you need to lower the bar a touch. Like, ground level. It's not like I could post an ad and hope to snag Vin Diesel. Let's be realistic!

Also, make sure to get paper bags when grocery shopping, too. Visitors won’t take kindly to having plastic wrapped over their melons when they walk through the door. You’ll thank me for this advice later, you fucking whacko.

I can’t help but look for an adam’s apple…

I think if you're a male, with a pulse, running far away and hiding out would be your safest bet. She hates you and anything like you. Just accept it and move on.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Fuckability Buffer

And how I'd like to buff this!!

You've been warned.

Don't blame me.

You asked for it.

Blood-thirsty baby ducklings...the whole lot of ya!

Here's your Fuckability Factor. Enjoy it. You'll never want to have sex again after this. Yes, I'm a pig. Deal with it.

If you're in shorts or!

old enought to be your mom… - 43
and horny enough to suck your cock son (18+) good looking women looking for sons to drop by in there sweatpants or shorts, just take there cock and balls out, and let mom milk the cream from there cock. Friends of my son any race also welcome for some oral service. A big load is a terrible thing to waste. pic 4 pic, Brenda

In one short ad, this Brenda has ruined everything the rest of us uterus card holding members have worked so hard for. Brenda is the female equivalent to the 89 year old pervert that stands just outside of the bus stop shelter flashing his freeze-dried resemblance of a wanker to people seeking shelter from a downpour. Even though they’re being pelted with Volkswagen sized hail, risking being electrocuted like an ill-fortuned forest hiker that got clothes lined by an electric fence, and possibly catching a cold that will make them pray for death, they will run away. Far away.

The only difference is our friend Brenda is sitting out by her mailbox in a flowered house coat and foaming at the mouth while the local Varsity football team jogs by. You can pick her out easily. She’ll be the one dry humping and licking the mailbox post like a newly pound-released St. Bernard after the old in-heat Beagle bitch with 13 whelps under her belt, then cursing because she got slivers on her tongue. Oddly enough, the football team has developed a detour training route. Now they don’t get origins-unknown slime flung at them while Brenda pounds on her chest and makes a noise awfully similar to that of a Black Spider Monkey that just found a new piece of ass.

The only creaming that should come to you involves you repeated thwacking your skull inside of the refrigerator door. Thirty nice hard pulls should do the trick. If you need help, call me. By the way, if your son isn’t talking to you anymore, it’s because every time he has friends over, they complain that they have to go shopping afterward. You keep ripping their clothes off. They’d stop you, but your growling and spinning head tends to freak them out a bit.

Brenda has shook me to my very core. Thanks to her though, I've lost 6 pounds since this came into my email box. I miss food. Bitch.

All that work and you can't even sniff her panties...

No one wants to pretend? - 28 (Odenton)
So I got a few responses yesterday but only one that really caught my attention. But he didn't reply to my email. :( Also, I'm really only interested in guys under 40. So let's try this again...

I guess I'm looking for someone to treat me nice for at least tonight. Maybe pretend you're my boyfriend. We can meet at a bar and just be nice to me. Hold my hand, dance with me, tell me I look nice. I haven't had that in a really really long time. I would like to go out and have fun tonight, but not the Ooh, look at him, he's cute--I hope I don't have toilet paper stuck to my shoe-anxiety-inducing night.
I'm nice looking--5'6 blonde/blue, curvy. Your pic gets mine. Not looking for any freaky sex, just a nice guy. If just for tonight, that's okay. No strings, I promise. We can do fake names even. Cassie

Let me break this down for you all:

1. I’m needy.
2. I don’t think Sean Connery NOW is good looking.
3. You’re paying for everything. I’m broke.
4. I’ve read Cinderella 5 bagillionty times and base my life on it and it alone.
5. I’m needy and have self-created baggage.
6. My mom says I’m cute and true beauty comes from within.
7. It’s just the baby fat. No, I don’t have kids.
8. You won’t answer if my picture is up and if you’re ugly, I’m not replying.
9. Even though you buy everything and pretend to be Prince Charming, you’re still not getting in my pants.
10. No strings that you can see at least. I’ll be calling you 7 times a day for the next month crying, “Why don’t you like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”
11. If you give me a fake name and number, I’m going to boil your goldfish and shit in your shoes while you’re at work.

The rest of the single and sane women of the world thank you Cassie. All the men you have scared away are now taking them to dinner. Kudos.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Spew Will Come Out Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

I have have been on the fence about tomorrow's post for a good week now. I wasn't sure if I was going to publish it. It's rank. It's foul. It will make you sick. It's the worst of the worst. And to the person that sent it to me...I hate you. A lot.

I do appreciate all the ads I've been sent! Do me a favor though, copy and paste them since some of the fuckwits delete their crap before I get to it, or they get flagged and yanked. Sounds kinky, huh?

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: