Thursday, October 16, 2008

I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd!

josh from the frat house on 15th
I'm pregnant. ~Jenny

Short, sweet and to the point. Jenny is a full-fledged slut. I’m guessing the evening transpired like this:

Jenny carefully picked out an outfit that screamed, “Take me now and you’ll never forget me!” She was sure to shave from head to toe since it was a long winter and she was beginning to rival Robin Williams. After all, what man would touch a woman whose nipples resemble a dried up Chia Pet?

Jenny made sure to put a dab of her finest knock-off perfume in all of the right places. She was on the prowl and wanted the world to know it. After fixing her hair just right and putting on her clothes, she slipped 18 condoms into her clutch just in case she caught more then one man and headed out the door.

She arrived at the kegger party and scoped out the room. She wanted young, she wanted fit; she wanted daddy’s money. Across the room she spotted her first victim. A loner, quietly picking his nose while the party raged on around him. He was perfect! He sported an onyx-faced watch, trendy, albeit poorly matched, clothing. She locked onto him like Bill Clinton with a new office assistant that has a lifetime subscription to the Cigar Of The Month club.

Slowly and with the stealth of a one-legged Emperor Penguin, she made her way to his side of the room. As he saw this woman staggering her way towards him, he quickly rubbed his fingertips under the ledge of the table he was sitting on so he didn’t have that balled up booger clinging onto the groves of his finger prints for dear life.

After exchanging witty banter that resembles the mating call of the severely inbred barn cat that is hiding somewhere outside of your bedroom window, they make their way out to Jenny’s 1984 VW Rabbit. The windows become opaque with steam as they quickly remove each other’s clothing with such skill, it would leave an Gold Medal winning under-water basket weaver in awe.

Just as the moment of glory was upon then, the young man asks, “Do you have a condom?” To which Jenny replies, “Yes! Several!” And with that, she removes what seems to be a never-ending string of individually wrapped condoms. She rips one off and hands it to her lover unaware that he had already creamed the backseat of your beloved car and was feverishly yanking at his now comatose penis.

“I need you NOW!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. He fumbled even more with his over-boiled hot dog until there was just enough life brought back into it that he could sort of roll down the glove of spermicidal wonder. Once in place, Jenny fought for her release.

Sweaty and heaving for air, she patted the young man on the top of the head and sent him on his way. As she climbed into the driver’s seat and prepared to head home, she noticed something odd. There was a condom unrolled over an old and lint-covered tootsie roll that must of escaped from her purse. Jenny, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, discarded her recent find and went home.

5 weeks later, this ad showed up. Josh, sweetie, do you remember shoving your fingers up anyone’s ass that night? That wasn’t shit on your fingers, it was chocolate and you should be expecting a subpoena for a DNA test within the next 2-4 weeks. Have a nice life!


Aly Carm said...

BAWHAHAHAHA That's hilarious! Wow, lets see Weasel beat that one!! haha Ouch *coffee out nose* LOL

CutNJump said...

That is funny Mary! Sad part is the poor bastard was probably too drunk to remember banging her in the VW.

The line about a Bill Clinton intern & Cigar of the Month Club sent my Dr. Pepper spraying.

Eccentric_Lady said...

Good one, Mary!

*shakes her head*

Mary said...

Hehehehe! Thanks guys! I know I was tanking it bigtime for awhile there. Hopefully this makes up for all of that.

I'm so happy I finally got to label an entry this way! My husband says it to me all of the time whenever I go, "Umm, really?" to him.

RebelJubilee said...

Great title! so do you think she'll ever find the right Josh, if thats even the right name?

CutNJump said...

I'm going to have to use that line on my hubby too. I'm sure he will appreciate it, then use it himself!!

Ella said...

Wow this chick is one classy broad.

Weasel said...


I lost my virginity in a 1984 VW Rabbit.

I came on the seat, too.

I wish I was kidding.

CutNJump said...


At least your name isn't Josh!


water_bearer said...

We've read your car ad, Weasel. We know. :)

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: