Thursday, May 21, 2009
Incase any of you fuckers haven't noticed, I have been MIA for some time now. The reasons behind this are nunya, as in nunya business.
I could tell you I ran away to a midget nudist colony in search of a higher power but only found that I got neck cramps from looking down, not up. Or maybe I decided it was time to look into that alternate lifestyle of freeloading on every single friend and family member I had until they told me to grow up and get the fuck out.
Whereas neither of these are true, life has gotten to be a wee bit hectic. But, I did manage to find time in between dragging my fat ass to a job that is less fun then having bamboo stick shoved under my toe nails and cleaning up reneged garbage that seems to trek more miles then the Monarch Butterfly with the single mission to land in my yard to drum up a couple of ads/posts.
Enjoy...or not...either way, you can't stop me from posting them!
When you had a small group over for bbq at your place I pretended I didn't notice the tortilla chips had ants all over them and ate them anyway. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of your friends and make them question the sanitary quality of the food they were about to eat. Now that I have gotten absolutely nowhere with you I deeply regret this decision. ~Amee
Jesus H. Christ! How dare the nerve of this guy! I mean, here we have Amee sporting her flirty sundress, basking in the glow of a warm summer sun munching on Ants just to get your attention and you do what? Ignore her! I’ll have you know in some 3rd world countries it is a huge turn on for a saggy titted woman to march her leathery hide right over to the nearest rotting stump, kick it over and go to town on all the insects, arachnids and arthropods dwelling deep within the musty pulp and dirt. But not you! Oh no Sir! You opt to find a more civilized woman that doesn’t have a segmented creature wiggling it’s antennae out of her mouth like an inmate waving his arms out of the cell at the wisp of sunlight streaming inches from his grasp.
You self-righteous dick! I’m going to be forced to stick a beehive into your mail slot now. I bet that will make you think twice about calling Amee up for a date, won’t it??
Ahhh, yes, here we have the classic twisting of words and terms to make you look fun and interesting. Whereas sometimes this does work, I have one word for our lovely Carey today…”FAIL!” For starters, when you’re looking to pick up a man, who most likely still giggles when someone says “duty” and “hard”, referring to splitting “wood” into a million toothpicks is more likely to render the potential suitor into the fetal position while grabbing their hairballs and spitting out “Damn bitch, that would hurt!” through gritted teeth. If you can manage to get through their sobbing, you might be able to explain that it is a metaphor, and then explain what exactly a metaphor is. Odds are though; you aren’t getting a date this way. Try again next year and remember that boys are fun, but they aren’t bright enough to know what a “bureau” is…unless they are gay and if that is what you are seeking, I’d suggest a very good plastic surgeon might be in order.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I high-five when I'm happy. I high-five when I'm sad. It's just how I process my feelings. When I was little, my cat attacked me, and my dad had to fight her off with one of my Barbie dolls. It was a very scary situation, and my Barbie wasn't prepared to do battle with my cat (Miss Kitty) so late in the afternoon. I am left-handed. I really like being left-handed. I like lefthandedness in general. Chrissy
I'm not all too sure what meds Chrissy missed the morning she wrote this ad, but I hope next time she doubles up on them. There is Meg Ryan quirky and then there is Dan Quayle stupid. You can try to come across as funny and easy going with a bit of out-there personality or you can try to make people wonder if you have tea parties with your invisable friends while trying to stuff rabid squirrels into your girdle. The first example will get you laid, probably more then once and more then likely from life forms more evolved then pond scum. The later, well, have fun with those squirrels while you have them because the odds are they will be the only party in your pants.