Saturday, November 29, 2008


Girl seeking WoW player

Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena? I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season 3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in, but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention. You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour. But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.
What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you: - You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it. - You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST! - You must be able to spell. - You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29. - At least 5'10". - No blondies. - Dark hair, dark eyes - Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred.
About me: - I am 5'8" - 150lbs - Blue eyes and brown hair. - I know a lot about video games. - I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above requirements. - I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.


Let's pick this apart by the key points!

Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena? Generally speaking, men tend to be intimidated by multitasking women. Women who can make dinner, fold laundry, balance her checkbook and dust the book shelves all while neutering their husband, scare the bajeezers out of men. Amazingly enough, it isn't the fact that she can hog tie her husband, slap a super tiny rubber band at the base of his ball sack and slice those bad boys off with the flick of her wrist and a paring knife in under 4 seconds isn't what scares them, it's that she is doing all of those other things as well! Take the whole robbing of the jews away and they will still snivel in the corner like a spanked puppy. This is not a selling point, Tonya.
she will be on vent or skype listening...but she is not going to physically join us - Jesus! Way to tease! I can just see it now, some 29 year old momma's boy thought he was was not only going to lose his virginity, but do it in a threesome! Then WHAM, like a kick in the crotch from a screaming 9 year old girl scout that you offered money to for a look at her "goods," your hope is lost.
You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour. This is where Tonya reels them in then steps on their forehead while wearing steel toed golf shoes. Men are a-okay with pounding a pussy like their shaft is an out of control jackhammer, that's a given. If you add the fact that they can drill for brown gold, they think they have been given the best Christmas gift since Ralphie got his BB gun. Where you lose hope, Tonya, is the getting off twice in an hour. Should you of said twice in 24 hours, you would of gotten more replies then the Olson twins looking for a middle aged man to join them in a 3some.
But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. This is your saving Grace, men. You talents, or lack there of, within the realms of sex aren't nearly as important as whether or not you can march into a CGI feild and slaughter 142 dwarfs on your computer monitor. So if you couldn't find a woman's G-spot with TomTom, a flashlight and breadcrumbs, dazzle her with your newest Shield Of Neverending Virginity and stab some poor unaware tree elf right in the toe.
"Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" One of my personal favorite melt-my-heart lines from a movie is, "The greatest thing you ever learn is to love and be loved in return." Should a man ever speak that to me, my shoes will fill up with a gooey substance. For Tonya, she prefers a different aproach. Be blunt. Be exact. Use gaming terms. Go for the glory, tiger!
You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it. Again, your cervix stabbing skills aren't the highest priority. What's more important is that you haven't seen the light of day in 3 weeks.
Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred. If, when you remove your Superman Underoos, it looks like a headless turkey is trying to escape from your ass, Tonya will be putty in your hands.
I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above requirements. - I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months. I'd like to think that there isn't a man alive that would answer Tonya, for many obvious reasons, but come on, we know her email has been filled faster then Harold and Kumar's toilet after they made it to White Castle. If they hesitated over the first part of her ad, that last line would of pushed them over the edge and caused their stubby, and amazingly nimble, fingers to drop their Joystick, and game controller, to email our Druid.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Captians Log: November 22, 2008

Have you noticed that I haven't been posting in a while? No? Well screw you then! To those of you who don't have the attention span of a meth addicted meerkat, I apologize. Central Headquarters were moved to somewhere that the only electrician within a thousand mile radius has a work schedule that consists of 6 hours a month if the moon of Youvegottobefuckingkiddingme lines up perfectly with the sun of Getoffyourlazyass just right, a septic company that feels the only time they should empty your shitter is when you're ankle deep in last weeks fried chicken dinner and a well pump moodier then Denise Richards during PMS. Even now, if you even breath on the light switch in the living room, you pop the fuse in 3 rooms.

So to make up for my past, and probably near future, lack of activity, I present to you several rubout-worthy photos! Done your super-absorbing Chux Pads and enjoy! God knows I did!!!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Young And The Restless

younger girl for OLDER man......

I'm younger....but who cares....
I fantasize about being with an older man...
the very thought of it makes me shiver...
does not matter if you are already married...
would you like to be my daddy?
Email YOUR pic first to get mine....
plus your age...and where you live..


I have yet to understand why someone would want to call a person they want to ride like the sideways until next Sunday "mommy" or "daddy." I tested this theory out on my husband. He was busy pounding away like Big John through a mountain when I shouted, "Yes! YES! Spank me daddy!" I don't think even Superman could of stopped a speeding garden grub worm as fast as my husband came to a halt and said, "What?!" His penis shriveled up like a 3 week old green bean and his balls climbed so far up inside of him, I think I saw a glimpse of brillo pad in the back of his throat while he stared at me with his jaw gaping down.

He informed me the only thing his sperm has done for me is paste my eye shut the one time he missed his target. If his sperm had anything to do with my genetics, he wouldn't be drilling for oil with me. He then told me, "If you ever want to have sex again, do NOT refer to me in any word that has to do with being my father!" Point taken...comment never mentioned again. I was able to resume that nights events by saying I was a dirty, dirty whore instead. Game on!

So Carey, I'm thinking the only "older male" you'll be attracting with this ad is a guy old enough to be your great grandfather, smells like Ben-Gay and Talc Powder, and will require you to crush his Viagra and feed it to him with his afternoon Snack Pack.

"Older men," this gal is looking to get into your will then over-dose you on your Centrum Silver. She doesn't think your dashing or cultured, she thinks you're her ticket to a life full of buff men named Juan and Rico peeling Milky Way bars so she can eat them off of their rock hard butt cheeks. To catch her attention, make sure you smoke 4 packs of Pall Mall Straights, drink a full bottle of E and J and have a bad ticker. If your medical bill is longer then Santa's Naughty list and your bank account has more numbers in it then she has toes and tits, she's all yours!

And trust me, she won't be a Playboy model like my example...but you will need to be the bag of bones!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Please forgive me

I've been so busy thinking about myself, I forgot about all of you! So in light of yesterdays entries filled with awe inspiring women, here is a bit of Fuckability Factor for you.

I need to go get a towel to sit on. I'm making a puddle on my leather chair...

Me want to touchy...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Meet your new Mrs. Potato Farmer/Logger USA

Ahhhh, yes, it's good to be back home! I've had a very busy two weeks. Between interviews, autograph signing and the ever-present male suitor trying his best to win a moment of my time with his awe inspiring wiles, I've hardly had the time to write!

Don't I look so happy? They were placing the crown of dog treats on my head right here.
I haven't forgotten you all. My loyal followers whom I love so much, I'd give my one front tooth to slather you with a vat of strawberry jam topped with chicken gravy and gobble you up...Sorry, I got a little choked up just now. Either that or I have a little left-over blubber caught in my gullet from the beluga feed to celebrate my win.
I thought I'd share the runner ups with everyone. They were sore losers! They claimed I shaved my bunions off and gave the judges foot jobs and that's how I won. It's not my fault they didn't own an industrial strength steel grinder like I do!

This is Elsa. They snapped a shot of her just as my name was announced. She was a mean bitch and I wear she put some of her short and curlies in my coffee grounds. It tasted a lot like rancid goats milk. Elsa was First Runner Up and I think she is plotting to tie my pit hairs to the bedframe so I can't live up to my duties. Don't let those supple lips and sexy eyes
fool you, she's a meanie-head!

Here we have Cindy. Cindy was the 2nd runner up and frankly, she scares the shit out of me. She warned me that if she didn't win, she would snap my fallopian tubes in half so I couldn't have kids. But the joke is on her! My mom and dad were also brother and sister. I was born with my fallopian tubes on my forehead. My cousin, who is also my grandma and niece, said my mom had them removed so I wasn't teased growing up. Thanks mom! Oh, back to Cindy, I do have to say she has the most sexy voice ever! I just couldn't figure out why everyone was asking if Barry White was a guest judge whenever she talked.
Look for one of my publicity stops in a town near you!! I'll be handing out my underwear, signed of course, with a picture of the two of us together. Meow!

Will you play with me?

Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park
I am seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. There have been miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.
Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.
I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

I can almost promise that almost every man who has read this instantly Googled "Dwayne The Rock Johnson." They want to feel his bulging muscles pressed firmly against them while he sings a medley of Barry Manalow hits, soothing them into a sweet somber right before he crushes their skull and rids them of the thought of being a dinosaur. Not a real, flesh eating one, mind you, but something you can find at a road-side tourist stop in the middle of Montana while on a quest for the elusive 3 nutted jackalope.

The sheer logistics of this even boggle my mind, and I'm a woman. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of smoke and pain a man's mind would produce should they try to figure out how to use their jaw to crash down through the overhead window. I've been on the roof of an SUV before and I assure you, it takes much more then your jaw to get inside without someone opening it for you. Sidenote: Standing on top of the glass while jumping up and down as you're doing the Electric Slide WILL get you inside without help, atleast one leg anyway.

Guys, if you really want a walk on this wild side, opt to just spit on her, kick some dirt in her face, fling some dog shit right at her chest and call it a day. Oh yes, and roar once in awhile so she doesn't call the cops on you.

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: