Sunday, October 5, 2008

Killing him softly with your...clothes?

Ahhhhh, steaming hot coffee. Such a perfect way to start this entry out. I thought we'd change things up a bit. Instead of posting insane Drag Queens and Virtual Sluts, lets switch gears to what REALLY works. Our clothes. So please, go get yourself a big ol' vat of bacon flavored yogurt and enjoy this feast for the eyes.

First, let's meet Ms. Camel Toe and Ms. Moose Knuckle.

Here we have Ms. Camel Toe sporting the latest in "Come Hither" fashion with her crotch swaddling frock. The toilet paper in her hair is to wipe the drool off of her shoes once a man catches a glimpse of this Barfing My Little Pony meets Punky Bruester outfit! Rwarrrr! I can hear the zippers splitting as I type!

Think it doesn't get any hotter?
Next I'd like to introduce you to the lovely and charming, Ms. MooseKnuckle. What can we say about Ms. MooseKnuckle? She enjoys
long walks around the Buffet counter, thongs and her removable-head shower. Her dislikes include tweeter linter left behind by any Charmin product, movie theater seats and anything that isn't spandex. Ms. MooseKnuckle will take your breath away without even speaking. Do you need an inhaler? No? Okay, but if you change your mind after its too late, Ms. MooseKnuckle is licensed in CPR.

Time to meet your Son's potential Prom dates:

Bachelorette #1 is sporting the latest fashion created from slaughtering innocent baby bunnies and smearing their still warm blood in flattering, and functional, horizontal lines. Pair with a Mid-80’s Madonna styled fingerless gloves and a kicky black boy-short for every boys dream. Fuck-off-and-die look sold separately. If your son picks #1, he'll surly have a night to remember!

Date #2 comes as a package deal. The left over remains of the Homecoming party that your son doesn't even remember going to stands up, front and center. Ask him to explain later, after all, you don't want to ruin this Milestone for him by beating him repeatedly upside the head with the telephone screaming, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR FATHER AND ME?! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDMOTHER! IS THIS THE ASS OF A GRANDMOTHER?" as you force him to feel your semi-firm buttocks. Leave that mental scaring for tomorrow morning when he's suffering from a hangover and his baby's momma is safely at her home. You might want to take this opportunity to pack all his belongings and get the plane ticket to Greenland purchased. I hear it's nice there once a year!
And last, but not least, Date #3:

Date #3 hails all the way from beautiful downtown Dubuque Iowa right across of Wing C of Tom's Animal Rendering Plant! She enjoys caring for animals that haven't had their heads cut off, providing her voice for equal rights, shaving Weasel's back hair and the occasional foreign flick. She'll take care of your son's needs and be sure to buffer any impacts from speeding, out of control hot dog stands. She really makes herself known!

Now lets move on to the women that Big Boys Who Never Grew Up love:

Did you just hear that? It was the world-wide collective gulp of billions of men becoming increasingly thirsty. This was my answer to the starving 3rd world countries in Africa. They’d thirst no more. I sent my plans to FEMA, I suspect it'll be about 5 years before they around to reading it. Anyway, men, look out! You asked for it and now you have it! Stop your panting! There's more then enough to go around.

Do you remember as a young man, lying on the floor staring up with doe eyes as Sesame Street danced before you? Do you remember the fond, butterfly like feelings when they drifted off to see Mr. Snuffalumpagus? Did you know he was married? Well he was! Although he filed for divorce in 1992 because he could no longer hide his feelings for Big Bird, he still cares deeply for the former Misses. Here you see her walking through a busy market with her ex-sister-in-law, NotAsFuzzy Snuffalimpagus. They still remain close.

Here we have random acts of testoserone catching outfits.

This fetching cougar reels in the big fish with her built-in cup holder. Her crown serves as a Penis holder and she has her very own bucking strap firmly in place at her mid-section. While sharing a passionate moment, call her Shamoo and hold on for dear life! She's feisty!

This young lady sports what many call a "muffin top" but around here, it's called HANDLEBARS. The days of using pig-tails to hold on are long gone. Now the men see this as a meaty spot to sink their fingers into and turn into an out of control jack-hammer. I hear the rushing sound of ballsacks filling to the brim with sperm. You're welcome!

Do you hear a sound that resembles a hundred piece drum band? That's the sound of the racing heart of every man within a 12 block radius of this ass-eating-pants garb. They figure if a woman's ass can suck and devour material like this, their cock is in for a real treat and they won't need to sneak over into the farmer's calf barn anymore! SCORE!

Finally, our last entry in our tour of man-catching attire, it's Aunt Rosemary! You may remember her as the kind soul that gave Betty her 500 Gold and joined in their Geekdom Orgy. Aunt Rosemary's got it going on! See how the polka-dots and lopsided boobs bring out her eyes? I see you trying to hold back. Don't deny your animal urges. Take her, take her now! We'll look away, promise.

And now I go on hiatus! I'll be back later this week...maybe!


Lynda said...

Aunt Rosemary reminded me of a little episode at the nursing home I use to work at. The nurse who was a friend of mine was handing out meds. She was in the day room an glanced into the mirror... apparently one of her bra straps had broken and she hadnt felt it... and she was pretty large on top... I heard this shriek that one of the twin peaks had fallen! LOL and that's exactly what she said... then she accused us of not telling her... especially since the doctor had been talking to her and just left the floor...

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Haha, this just sends my usually lower-end self esteem through the roof! Right after I vomit my entire stomach contents, that is.

CutNJump said...

I like the straw in the plastic cup of the woman with the built in drinkholder.

Surely got to have beer in the plastic cup to sip through the straw...

I currently sport my own 'drinkholder', but at the end of the month, mine will go away...

I doubt she can say that.

agustin96 said...

I feel pretty... oh so pretty!!

Pls tell me that it is a shadow in the first pic and not ...ughh... hair... or worse yet crotch sweat!!! (goes for the second pic too)

Ella said...

ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!
Is that woman on the picnic tables stomach hanging down??
ugh, all of these are gross!
Damn right I feel pretty after that!

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