Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Best Job Ever

Casual Sex Partner(s) for Classy Woman - w4mm
Good Afternoon,I am writing on behalf of a Manhattan-based female celebrity for whom I am an assistant to. She is looking for a group of about 5-6 men whom she can keep in an on-call position for sexual favors, such as sensual massage, oral sex, sex, and various other activities. You will be paid when called on to perform a task in addition to a weekly courtesy stipend you will receive for being on call.

If interested, please respond with a PICTUE (preferably one of your face and one nude), and answer the following questions:
1. Age? Height? Weight? Length of penis(erect)?
2. Where are you located?3. What are your hours of availability?
4. What is your occupation?
5. What is your level of sexual experience?
6. Are you disease free? What was the date of your last test?
If interested, we will contact you to arrange a phone and personal interview. If chosen you will be asked to receive testing for AIDS/HIV and STD's (we will cover the cost).Thank You.

So right now you are probably thinking, “Heck! This is one hell of a deal. I get paid to live my life as I do right now and if I’m called to shoot my load, I get paid more! And they said I wouldn’t amount to anything if I dropped out of Elementary school!” So you put on your best Goodwill Green Tag special suit, apply a good dose of Suave Deodorant to your armpits and the bottoms of your feet, because why bother showering until you actually get the job, and attempt to gel down your side burns which coincidentally seem to be forming their own ecosystem, complete with green sprouts, enough dirt to grow a bushel of potatoes and something that lets out a humming sound every now and then.

You show up about 15 late because you hear that is the cool thing to do. After all, you are cool and you want to make sure that your new boss knows it. As you ring the doorbell, you give yourself the best pep talk in the world of pep talks.

“You fuckin’ rock man! ROCK! If they can’t see that right away, whip out your humongo dick and wave it at them just like you waved it at the hunched over little old lady that told you shitting on her doorstep while she was teaching her grandson how to play dominos wasn’t a good idea. The sheer sight of me wiggling my cock at her like I was swinging an overly boiled hotdog sure changed her mind! Let the magic of your dick speak for you!” As you look down at your crotch, you remind it, “Dude, you’re the best!”

Just then, the door opens. You’re expecting Pamela Anderson wearing nothing but a rubber band and scratch-n-sniff sticker. The first thing you see is a set of 3” red stilettos. Your eyes slowly gaze upward to pale, but shapely legs. You reach what appears to be a satin robe that falls just below your new bosses naughty bits. Like a stealthy platypus, you continue devouring the sight before you with your eyes, moving upward to the face but not without noticing two very large and very perky milk machines.
Yes! Here comes the face! Holy shit! It’s Liza Minelli! You say, “Nooooo!” But the Dude in your pants says, “Yessssss!”


Ella said...

I thought the commentary was going to go in a totally different direction, ha. I'm sure she's calling on behalf of a 'celebrity' because thats where all the famous folks go for a quick fuck. online. riiiiight.

Ella said...

Btw, I fixed my thing so I can actually have a real name and pic! yay me!

Mary said...

I should set it up for "guest commentary." That would be fun!!! I was thinking I might move some stuff front page when it's far too good to leave just in the comments! Afterall, pretty much everyone that posts makes me go, "Shit! I should of put THAT in there!" I'm turning into Weasel...

Ella said...

Yeah but perusing the comments is half the fun. And you know you have diehards when they read all the comments. Can you have both?
We haven't exactly lived up to the 'contribution' part of the deal, have we? I can't find any good ones though! I even went to Mingles (which was kind of confusing, btw) and only found one sort of acceptable one.. sorry!

Thingsthatperplexme said...

All the w4m ads I've seen are just depressing. It's clear, from both the number and the content of the ads, that the men down here are 1) insane 2) way hornier and more desperate than the female populate 3) have little to no sense of what is appropriate and 4) no goddamn clue.

If you're surprised, raise you're hand.



I'll wait. ;)

CutNJump said...

I would think (or maybe rather HOPE) the women seeking men ads would be worded a bit differently. Probably not going to see the array of 'clit or tit shots' like we do of the men and their cock shots.

We are wired differently. But that doesn't mean there aren't any women out there who have their head on sideways and lost more than a few screws...

Besides, Evergrey seems to have some good stories to tell.

Amaocha said...

This has so much entertainment value XD!
Longue Vie a WMHW!!!
(although I think it might sometimes make my cry at night. To see that both male and female human beings can be so desperately low...)

Ella said...

The only salvation is that there are significantly LESS crazy female posts out there then men ads.

CutNJump said...

Ella- salvation in less crazy posts from the women?

Clearly they are deluded in their thinking that a man would go as far as reading an ad when trying to find a mate.

Most guys would take home the first woman to wink at them sideways in a bar, even if the wink was the result of a missing contact lens.

Gives the rest of us hope in reading the W4M ads that we aren't maybe as 'out there' as some of them are.

Eccentric_Lady said...

Yes! Here comes the face! Holy shit! It’s Liza Minelli! You say, “Nooooo!” But the Dude in your pants says, “Yessssss!” ~ Mary

I just snorted cherry coke on that one...well done playing on that phrase, men have two heads!

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: