Saturday, September 20, 2008

Fuck me and I'll fuck you!

i need hipster sperm, you need house cleaned......

Hey I am a 19 year old Hispanic girl seeking smart, attractive, well dressed, hipster, to donate sperm. Need somebody with good health, disease free, and no funky family problems like webbed feet, or a fondness for plaid. Really fashionable artsy a plus! I am looking to get pregnant and would require it to be done the "old fashioned way" Unless you would like to help me with the turkey baster (negotiable). In return I’ll clean your house for three months once a week on Sundays at 3 pm. send picture's please...... your place. Maria (xxx)xxx-xxxx



You: A pulse, 10 clearly defined toes, a complete pig that is far too lazy to pick up your shithole townhouse and get rid of the smell of week old urine and beer and Gayer then the Almighty Drag Queen Champion of The Greater San Francisco Bay Area.

Me: A warm hole and have my own yellow Rubbermaid gloves.

If you’re going to respond to our lovely friend, Maria, be sure to fork over your bankcard, wallet and any other source of money you may have. If you do that right away you’ll be ready and warmed up for the next 18 years and 9 months because buddy, she isn’t looking for sperm! That is just her way of reaching up through your pisshole to your wallet, taking a firm hold of it with a grip that would put the jaws of a rabid rabies infest pitbull to shame.

Not only are you facing seeing only 40% of all future paychecks, being forced to give up your spacious townhouse for a studio apartment where the only source of heat is the steaming piles of rat shit in the corners and trading in your Lexus for a 1978 Gremlin that is being held together with Mr. Twisties and packing tape, you can opt for not getting even a second of satisfaction out of this transaction by jerking off into a sandwich baggy then squeezing it into your Grandma’s turkey baster before handing it threw a barely cracked open door to someone on the other side that is talking to themselves.

I just ordered a 55 Gallon drum of Vaseline for the poor schmuck that falls for this dream girl! He’s looking to get laid, she’s looking to get paid.

9 comments:

Ferret Fan said...

I have to say that any guy that would fall for this one deserves exactly what he gets. Not only is he going to be paying childsupport, but I'm guessing that he's going to be sponsoring her family to get green cards!

Ella said...

I wasn't aware 'fondness for plaid' was a genetic trait.
Who is supplying the Turkey baster? Thanksgiving will never be the same again.

Eccentric_Lady said...

Still debating, the creepy picture or her ad is more scary....

Jury's hung on that one, for this one's totally bizarre to say the least.

Where you'd find this gem, Mary?!?

water_bearer said...

I think the chola eyebrows put her over the top. They're very artsy.
In a Puerto Rican pre-op transsexual slumming in Little Rock kind of way.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Why hipster? If you want artistic merit, perhaps fuck an artist or even a gymnast? If you want intelligence, I can assure you there are plenty of rich old profs who would be more than happy to oblige.. and you could clean their big old musty houses while you clean their fatter-than-an-artist/gymnast/hipster-wallets!

Nosnikta said...

She must be horribly unattractive if she has to advertise to get a stray sperm. I mean... c'mon.

CutNJump said...

Ouwch! Might as well drown yourself in a vat of KY. Less painful and probably just as slimey.

Either that or get a fork and stuff it in a light socket as you're going to need some stimulation to get it up for something the likes of her.

Either way- Dude you're screwed! And not in any good way.

Clean your own house, you won't have to trade sex for it. Instead the sex will be free. Or at least less expensive than child support for the next 19 years...

Anonymous said...

Sounds like another anchor baby on the way. U.S. Welfare, here we come!

Persnickety Ticker said...

I love it! Your commentary is right on par with Weasel over on WWHM. You crack me up!

I am off to read the rest of the blog!!

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: