Friday, September 19, 2008

Wall-to-wall swag carpet

I AM SEEKING SOMEONE WITH SWAGGER
You know who and what you are and what talents and qualities that you possess if you are reading or even going to reply to this ad. A couple of guidines: 1. If you must ask what "swagger" is, you may not have it 2. And if you got it, you definately have all credentials in place to justify your swagger 3. NO one under 25, again unless your "swag" is so together then it truly doesnt matter Okay, Here's me: I am VERY sexy Realistic and open-minded black woman, who is secure with herself, who has a nice SHAPLEY full figure, who has much to offer no matter the rapport! Let's talk! Tina


I'm the first to admit I've lived a fairly sheltered life that consisted of rainbows, butterflies and the fact that I was over 200 miles from a mall of any substance. An ideal mate in my neck of the woods still has most of their own teeth, only 1 DUI and 3 credits from our local community college. Before the internet came ranging into my life like a teenage boy running away from a pack of hormonal cheerleaders that just caught him masturbating with his sisters underwear, I never knew such qualifications played an important part on who is fuckable and who didn't even stand the chance to sniff a woman's belly button lint that was left in a ball next to the trash can.

Apparently, Tina has the inside information. You MUST have a big ol' heaping pile of swagger. That's the key folks. If you are swagalious enough, you can dip your three solid inches of raging thunder in a shapely realist.

So do you find yourself going, "Hey, Mary, can you please, tell me what 'swagger' is." Well my friend, I don't have a fucking clue! That being said, I decided to crack out my dust covered Webster’s Dictionary.

Dictionary results for swagger:

1. to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.

2. to boast or brag noisily.

3. to bring, drive, force, etc., by blustering.

4. swaggering manner, conduct, or walk; ostentatious display of arrogance and conceit.

What I've been able to figure out, is our friend Tina wants a man who is very vocal about the fact that he thinks he's a God, builds up enough momentum to crash through the Great Wall of China and limps. So fellas, if you're looking for an out of shape, know-it-all that will be sure to point out every single thing you do wrong in bed, even if you are standing in front if a group of nuns that were once your elementary teachers, yet you lack enough "swag" to please this top-notch Republican, remember to don your "I have the biggest fucking dick in the world" T-Shirt, ask the neighborhood Girl Scout Troop to bash your left leg in with a petrified hamster and run through at least six Mack truck trailers before even attempting to reply to Tina.

5 comments:

Eccentric_Lady said...

Oh boy...

That's the first time I've heard of 'swagger' being a requirement too.

Sounds like a good number of WWHM candidates might fit that bill...

water_bearer said...

Me thinks the lady is confused about the definition of swagger. She'll get her just desserts when she gets what she's asked for, instead of the "poise" I think she thinks she's looking for. He's gonna bounce that swagger right off her forehead.

Ferret Fan said...

Yeah, I'm thinking that asking a man to swagger is just an invite to get teabagged by some over-confident bobbipity walking dork.
I don't want a man with "swagger", I want a man with "swag", as in all the goodies that make my life as a well treated Princess Bitch bearable.

Ella said...

Just give her Weasels email, I'm sure he can introduce her to some men with enough.. swagger.

Petronella said...

Thanks for writing this.

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: