Sunday, November 2, 2008

Will you play with me?

Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park
I am seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. There have been miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.
Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.
I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

I can almost promise that almost every man who has read this instantly Googled "Dwayne The Rock Johnson." They want to feel his bulging muscles pressed firmly against them while he sings a medley of Barry Manalow hits, soothing them into a sweet somber right before he crushes their skull and rids them of the thought of being a dinosaur. Not a real, flesh eating one, mind you, but something you can find at a road-side tourist stop in the middle of Montana while on a quest for the elusive 3 nutted jackalope.

The sheer logistics of this even boggle my mind, and I'm a woman. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of smoke and pain a man's mind would produce should they try to figure out how to use their jaw to crash down through the overhead window. I've been on the roof of an SUV before and I assure you, it takes much more then your jaw to get inside without someone opening it for you. Sidenote: Standing on top of the glass while jumping up and down as you're doing the Electric Slide WILL get you inside without help, atleast one leg anyway.

Guys, if you really want a walk on this wild side, opt to just spit on her, kick some dirt in her face, fling some dog shit right at her chest and call it a day. Oh yes, and roar once in awhile so she doesn't call the cops on you.

9 comments:

Havocec said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Havocec said...

How do things go so terribly weird? Mechanical dinosaur? Well she get a dildoasaurs for Xmas from the Source? I have to go lay down, my head hurts.

Harvey said...

this can't possible be real....can it?

Mary said...

Scary, huh?

Appyfreak said...

Yay! You used my submission! I feel almost famous!

***off to look for more f'd up i need to get laid ads****

Calantha said...

That's one of the weirder ads I've seen. Although I guess it's about as weird as those people who find the alien from those "Alien" movies sexy.

Nosnikta said...

It's a damn good thing she's not in to the REAL ones... that would be difficult to achieve. It's like that woman who went to the book store for actual photographs of dinosaurs and got angry when there were only drawings. She wanted ACTUAL photos... ding ding.

I kinda feel sorry for some dinosaurs because with those tiny little arms, they can't even masturbate. Imagine going through life looking for a mate who had probably just passed in to extinction and you have nothing left but Rosie...

... and you can't even reach.

No wonder they were crabby.

Nosnikta said...

Yeah, pretty sure I was drunk when I wrote that. :-|

Havocec said...

nosnikta said...I kinda feel sorry for some dinosaurs because with those tiny little arms, they can't even masturbate. Imagine going through life looking for a mate who had probably just passed in to extinction and you have nothing left but Rosie...
----------------------

*LMAO* has visions of that movie where the dinosaur says "cuz I got a big head and little bitty arms"

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: