It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD DO....
I FEEL SO DESPERATE, LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW IS GOIN TO SEE THIS AND SAY "HEY WHAT YOU DOING ON HERE" BUT LIKE LL COOL J WOULD SAY "I NEED LOVE" HAHAHA.... I AM AN AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN, 24 YEARS OF AGE MOTIVATED WOMAN THAT LOVES HER JOB. I AM A DIRECTOR OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS IN THE HOSPITALITY FIELD. I STAND 5 FEET TALL, NICE SMILE, EAR LENGTH HAIR, STRAIGHT TEETH. IM ALWAYS TIRED BUT NEVER GET SLEEP. WHAT I LIKE IN A MAN: AGE IS OPEN JUST DONT BE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND NOT ON VACATION FROM YOUR NURSING HOME. RACE IS OPEN AS WELL IVE DECIDED TO NOT PUT AN AGE OR RACE ON LOVE...... I LIKE STRAIGHT TEETH, A PERSON THAT LIKES TO LOOK NICE AND TAKE CARE OF HIM SELF. SOMEONE THAT KNOWS HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BUT DOESNT MIND HIS WOMAN TAKING OVER. I LOVE A GUY THAT UNDERSTANDS THAT A WOMANS WORTH IS PRICELESS.... I WANT A GUY THAT WILL SUPPORT MY IDEAS EVEN WHEN WE BOTH KNOW THERE STUPID. IM LOOKING FOR A RIGHT FOR MY LEFT, IM LOOKING FOR A BEAT FOR MY…ALYSHA

Well, Alysha, let me break a few things down for you. Let's start with the most obvious. The Cap Locks. For the love of all that is assbackwards and smelly, why oh WHY must you type in all caps? Do you know what it says to the world, "I'M A FUCKING MORON!" It screams that you have very little education and that holding a conversation with you would be like holding bat-blind skunk. We have to move slowly and carefully as we try to maneuver through dinner or else some foul smell will omit out of your ass as you try to figure out what the hell just happened. We're better of just trying to avoid you as we pass you on the street.Secondly, 18 to 80 is your age range? So you're okay with changing diapers, no matter which end of the age spectrum it comes from. Brilliant! That will sure put the odds in your favor! The only real stipulation to age is that you don't live with your parents and that your kids haven't shipped you off to the Ye 'Ol Dust Fart farm.

Translation time! "DIRECTOR OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS IN THE HOSPITALITY FIELD" really means “I wipe the cum stains off of my Pimp's other ho's spandex in hopes to lure back Charlie Sheen. I'm also in charge of tucking the trannies!” She must work in the busy side of town because she's "ALWAYS TIRED BUT NEVER GET SLEEP." The number of sperms she wipes off in an hour dwarfs the National Deficit. I'm sure by now she has turned the tucking of a limp, unused penis into an art form. Bravo!

Full translation of ad: Hi! I'm short, dropped out of school when I was 7, I need you in order to be happy, don't wear a weave and help make the local prostitutes jobs far more financially beneficial. What I want is a nerdy little white boy with no life or thoughts of his own to worship me and tell my big ass is the hottest thing since CoCo Pebbles. I'm very co-dependent so be ready to be my sole source of happiness. Don't leave me! I neeeeed you! I want to come with you when you pee. I can't be without you. You must listen to rap and know who my idol, LL Cool J, is. He really drops the knowledge. Wait, where are you going? Don't let a mild heart attack keep me away from you! Come back!