Why Men Hate Women

In Hopes Of Forgiveness

2009-05-21T06:51:00.004-05:00

I give you MEN!

The Curious Case Of WMHW

2009-05-21T05:12:00.004-05:00

~cue suspense music~

Incase any of you fuckers haven't noticed, I have been MIA for some time now. The reasons behind this are nunya, as in nunya business.

I could tell you I ran away to a midget nudist colony in search of a higher power but only found that I got neck cramps from looking down, not up. Or maybe I decided it was time to look into that alternate lifestyle of freeloading on every single friend and family member I had until they told me to grow up and get the fuck out.

Whereas neither of these are true, life has gotten to be a wee bit hectic. But, I did manage to find time in between dragging my fat ass to a job that is less fun then having bamboo stick shoved under my toe nails and cleaning up reneged garbage that seems to trek more miles then the Monarch Butterfly with the single mission to land in my yard to drum up a couple of ads/posts.

Enjoy...or not...either way, you can't stop me from posting them!

Mary

Mexi-Ant

2009-05-21T05:05:00.005-05:00

I can't believe I ate ants for you

When you had a small group over for bbq at your place I pretended I didn't notice the tortilla chips had ants all over them and ate them anyway. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of your friends and make them question the sanitary quality of the food they were about to eat. Now that I have gotten absolutely nowhere with you I deeply regret this decision. ~Amee

Jesus H. Christ! How dare the nerve of this guy! I mean, here we have Amee sporting her flirty sundress, basking in the glow of a warm summer sun munching on Ants just to get your attention and you do what? Ignore her! I’ll have you know in some 3rd world countries it is a huge turn on for a saggy titted woman to march her leathery hide right over to the nearest rotting stump, kick it over and go to town on all the insects, arachnids and arthropods dwelling deep within the musty pulp and dirt. But not you! Oh no Sir! You opt to find a more civilized woman that doesn’t have a segmented creature wiggling it’s antennae out of her mouth like an inmate waving his arms out of the cell at the wisp of sunlight streaming inches from his grasp.

You self-righteous dick! I’m going to be forced to stick a beehive into your mail slot now. I bet that will make you think twice about calling Amee up for a date, won’t it??

How Much Wood Could A Woodchuck Chuck?

2009-05-21T04:53:00.003-05:00

Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks. ~Carey

Ahhh, yes, here we have the classic twisting of words and terms to make you look fun and interesting. Whereas sometimes this does work, I have one word for our lovely Carey today…”FAIL!” For starters, when you’re looking to pick up a man, who most likely still giggles when someone says “duty” and “hard”, referring to splitting “wood” into a million toothpicks is more likely to render the potential suitor into the fetal position while grabbing their hairballs and spitting out “Damn bitch, that would hurt!” through gritted teeth. If you can manage to get through their sobbing, you might be able to explain that it is a metaphor, and then explain what exactly a metaphor is. Odds are though; you aren’t getting a date this way. Try again next year and remember that boys are fun, but they aren’t bright enough to know what a “bureau” is…unless they are gay and if that is what you are seeking, I’d suggest a very good plastic surgeon might be in order.

Merry Fucking Christmas

2008-12-23T20:26:00.008-06:00

I'm all witted out, so here are the damn pictures I picked as Christmas presents to ya'll. Let the moaning and drooling commence...I present to you a Depp/Jackman sandwich. Call me Mayo!

A bit? Noooo! Not YOU!

2008-12-23T16:43:00.002-06:00

i'm a bit of a freak or so i am told... suppose that came from a life lived almost exclusively in pursuit of everything and anything magickal... so my psi function runs a little hot... i can remote view with a pretty high degree of accuracy, leave my body and travel to the astral at will, listen to the thoughts of others and sometimes directly manipulate physical reality at the quantum level (although not in a repeatable under protocol way quite yet...) Dani

I found the biggest collection of What The Fuck ads ever! You know the kind where you tilt your head and wonder if they moved computers into the padded rooms within local nut wards.

Let's take Dani's ad for example. What she is telling you is that if you date her, don't even think about cheating. She can leave her body, find you and force you to walk out into the middle of the street and get hit by a run-away Mammogram van. The old adage about wearing clean underwear will be running through your head as you stare down at your flaccid and completely exposed trouser inch worm. Think of the look on your Grandma Betty's face as she reads the paper and sees a big black box over your naked naughty bits and reads the headline "Mammogram Machine Flattens More Then Boobs."

Or she is just totally fucked in the head and you can atleast get a night of sheet-shredding sex from her. Just be sure to ignore the growling and don't make eye contact. Also, if you see her grab jumper cables and a metal pasta strainer, run.

Death By Barbie

2008-12-23T16:35:00.003-06:00

I high-five when I'm happy. I high-five when I'm sad. It's just how I process my feelings. When I was little, my cat attacked me, and my dad had to fight her off with one of my Barbie dolls. It was a very scary situation, and my Barbie wasn't prepared to do battle with my cat (Miss Kitty) so late in the afternoon. I am left-handed. I really like being left-handed. I like lefthandedness in general. Chrissy

I'm not all too sure what meds Chrissy missed the morning she wrote this ad, but I hope next time she doubles up on them. There is Meg Ryan quirky and then there is Dan Quayle stupid. You can try to come across as funny and easy going with a bit of out-there personality or you can try to make people wonder if you have tea parties with your invisable friends while trying to stuff rabid squirrels into your girdle. The first example will get you laid, probably more then once and more then likely from life forms more evolved then pond scum. The later, well, have fun with those squirrels while you have them because the odds are they will be the only party in your pants.

Colour Me Co-Dependent

2008-12-23T16:20:00.004-06:00

I am looking for the man i will be hapy with all my life and that will show me the real colour of love that will always make me happy and that i will be able to call the love of my life and i will be happy with all my life and that will be able to give me his shoulder when i need it and i will also be able to give mine when he is in need of it as well...And i will love ll my life and i will be happy to call the love of my life....beth

Did anyone else have to read this a few times before it sunk in? And when you read it, was the voice in your head completely monotone?

A post like this will get the men flocking in about as fast as Janet Reno promising free lap dances after they let Steve Buscemi fart in their face. There isn't a man that I have met in my lifetime that has said they were specifically looking for clingy, needy and obsessed. Although, they have no problem over-looking those traits if they come wrapped up in a Giselle Bundchen package, however after the novelty wears off, Ms. I Need You To Be Here For Me To Be Happy will be left eating sprackets kicked up from his back tires.

I have a strong feeling Beth is the kind of gal you see in the darkest corner of a coffee shop. Hunched over, wearing over-sized wool ponchos and chewing on a twisted section of her hair while stiring her Mocha-Frap-Soy-Half-Wit-Light-Foam concoction. She probably giggles to herself and snorts when she finds her inner thoughts especially amusing.

When interacting with those of the opposite sex face to face, she probably stumbles on her tongue and finds it hard to form a complete and understandable sentence. So, she takes to the internet! Brilliant idea! Cheers to you Beth! You suck at it here, too!

You deserve it

2008-12-10T09:54:00.004-06:00

Before scanning to the following post, I want to give you an image to make you less likely to hunt me down and hog tie me so you can pour hot wax on me then throw me into the growing snow bank just outside of my bedroom window. As wonderful as it sounds, I don't think being turned into a Mary Statue is something the world is ready for just yet.

Enjoy!

Since the last dude went over about as well as the Governor of Chicago's recent bright idea for a retirement plan, here is a new fuckability factor!

Am I forgiven?

As a direct result of the comments this post has gotten, I surrender. Here is your damn hairy man! NOW GET OFF MY ASS! ~snicker~

As the old saying goes, be careful of what you ask for! You just might get it!

Okay, okay, here, stop crying...

Sometimes you just gotta say, "Eewww!"

2008-12-10T08:38:00.006-06:00

Black4White - 27

I LOVE white men...but any race will do. Hit me up!

Holy fucking shitballs of hairy goat nads!! So I get this email titled, "somethin' for your blog...." from a reader we'll call ML The Evil. ML The Evil goes on to add, "Sorry you have to see this. I can’t imagine there are many men who want to either. Maybe I’m wrong. What do I know?" in the body of this email. Instead, she should of said, "Please get your yellow pages handy. Look up the nearest 24/7 therapist and call and make an appointment for 10 minutes from now. I will split the bill with you. It's the least I can do since I'm the sole source of the following pain. Thank you and, I'm sorry."

But no, she gives me something so mild, I thought maybe I was about to have the vision of a quickly aging Hollywood D-Lister posing in boy shirts and their 6 year old's T-Shirt. (Note: See Pamela Anderson going to Walgreens to pick up toothpaste)

No, no, no. Instead, ML The Evil gives me this --> (Click for a full viewing)

Now, don't get me wrong. The sheer size isn't the issue here. I, myself, resemble a Butterball Turkey, post defeathering but prior to adding losts of butter and baking at 375 degrees for 4 to 10 hours. My darling husband has made the comment that if he were to lick his hand and spank me, he would need to call 911 for Fire Rescue to detatch his hand that has froze to my pastey white bench warmer.

There are a couple things about that picture that bug me. My first reaction was that she looks like she is about to take a shit on that beautiful hardwood floor! Lady, do you know what people pay for a floor like that? Secondly, is she giving birth? Do I see fingers stretching forth trying to escape their cave of darkness? Do I hear sobbing and pleading voices screeching out, "For the love of all that is unholy, GET ME OUT OF THIS BITCH!" Lastly, is this the first living creature in the world that has a built in toilet paper dispenser? The inventor of this item was brilliant enough to place it close to the part of the body that requires it. Bravo! Bravo!

Atleast our friend isn't picky. You just have to be male. Way to take the pressure off!

WOWza

2008-11-29T07:15:00.009-06:00

Girl seeking WoW player

Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena? I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season 3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in, but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention. You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour. But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.

What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you: - You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it. - You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST! - You must be able to spell. - You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29. - At least 5'10". - No blondies. - Dark hair, dark eyes - Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred.

About me: - I am 5'8" - 150lbs - Blue eyes and brown hair. - I know a lot about video games. - I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above requirements. - I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.

Tonya

Let's pick this apart by the key points!

Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena? Generally speaking, men tend to be intimidated by multitasking women. Women who can make dinner, fold laundry, balance her checkbook and dust the book shelves all while neutering their husband, scare the bajeezers out of men. Amazingly enough, it isn't the fact that she can hog tie her husband, slap a super tiny rubber band at the base of his ball sack and slice those bad boys off with the flick of her wrist and a paring knife in under 4 seconds isn't what scares them, it's that she is doing all of those other things as well! Take the whole robbing of the jews away and they will still snivel in the corner like a spanked puppy. This is not a selling point, Tonya.

she will be on vent or skype listening...but she is not going to physically join us - Jesus! Way to tease! I can just see it now, some 29 year old momma's boy thought he was was not only going to lose his virginity, but do it in a threesome! Then WHAM, like a kick in the crotch from a screaming 9 year old girl scout that you offered money to for a look at her "goods," your hope is lost.

You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour. This is where Tonya reels them in then steps on their forehead while wearing steel toed golf shoes. Men are a-okay with pounding a pussy like their shaft is an out of control jackhammer, that's a given. If you add the fact that they can drill for brown gold, they think they have been given the best Christmas gift since Ralphie got his BB gun. Where you lose hope, Tonya, is the getting off twice in an hour. Should you of said twice in 24 hours, you would of gotten more replies then the Olson twins looking for a middle aged man to join them in a 3some.

But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. This is your saving Grace, men. You talents, or lack there of, within the realms of sex aren't nearly as important as whether or not you can march into a CGI feild and slaughter 142 dwarfs on your computer monitor. So if you couldn't find a woman's G-spot with TomTom, a flashlight and breadcrumbs, dazzle her with your newest Shield Of Neverending Virginity and stab some poor unaware tree elf right in the toe.

"Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" One of my personal favorite melt-my-heart lines from a movie is, "The greatest thing you ever learn is to love and be loved in return." Should a man ever speak that to me, my shoes will fill up with a gooey substance. For Tonya, she prefers a different aproach. Be blunt. Be exact. Use gaming terms. Go for the glory, tiger!

You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it. Again, your cervix stabbing skills aren't the highest priority. What's more important is that you haven't seen the light of day in 3 weeks.

Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred. If, when you remove your Superman Underoos, it looks like a headless turkey is trying to escape from your ass, Tonya will be putty in your hands.

I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above requirements. - I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months. I'd like to think that there isn't a man alive that would answer Tonya, for many obvious reasons, but come on, we know her email has been filled faster then Harold and Kumar's toilet after they made it to White Castle. If they hesitated over the first part of her ad, that last line would of pushed them over the edge and caused their stubby, and amazingly nimble, fingers to drop their Joystick, and game controller, to email our Druid.

Captians Log: November 22, 2008

2008-11-22T04:21:00.010-06:00

Have you noticed that I haven't been posting in a while? No? Well screw you then! To those of you who don't have the attention span of a meth addicted meerkat, I apologize. Central Headquarters were moved to somewhere that the only electrician within a thousand mile radius has a work schedule that consists of 6 hours a month if the moon of Youvegottobefuckingkiddingme lines up perfectly with the sun of Getoffyourlazyass just right, a septic company that feels the only time they should empty your shitter is when you're ankle deep in last weeks fried chicken dinner and a well pump moodier then Denise Richards during PMS. Even now, if you even breath on the light switch in the living room, you pop the fuse in 3 rooms.

So to make up for my past, and probably near future, lack of activity, I present to you several rubout-worthy photos! Done your super-absorbing Chux Pads and enjoy! God knows I did!!!

The Young And The Restless

2008-11-08T15:00:00.003-06:00

younger girl for OLDER man......

I'm younger....but who cares....
I fantasize about being with an older man...
the very thought of it makes me shiver...
does not matter if you are already married...
would you like to be my daddy?
Email YOUR pic first to get mine....
plus your age...and where you live..

Carey

I have yet to understand why someone would want to call a person they want to ride like the sideways until next Sunday "mommy" or "daddy." I tested this theory out on my husband. He was busy pounding away like Big John through a mountain when I shouted, "Yes! YES! Spank me daddy!" I don't think even Superman could of stopped a speeding garden grub worm as fast as my husband came to a halt and said, "What?!" His penis shriveled up like a 3 week old green bean and his balls climbed so far up inside of him, I think I saw a glimpse of brillo pad in the back of his throat while he stared at me with his jaw gaping down.

He informed me the only thing his sperm has done for me is paste my eye shut the one time he missed his target. If his sperm had anything to do with my genetics, he wouldn't be drilling for oil with me. He then told me, "If you ever want to have sex again, do NOT refer to me in any word that has to do with being my father!" Point taken...comment never mentioned again. I was able to resume that nights events by saying I was a dirty, dirty whore instead. Game on!

So Carey, I'm thinking the only "older male" you'll be attracting with this ad is a guy old enough to be your great grandfather, smells like Ben-Gay and Talc Powder, and will require you to crush his Viagra and feed it to him with his afternoon Snack Pack.

"Older men," this gal is looking to get into your will then over-dose you on your Centrum Silver. She doesn't think your dashing or cultured, she thinks you're her ticket to a life full of buff men named Juan and Rico peeling Milky Way bars so she can eat them off of their rock hard butt cheeks. To catch her attention, make sure you smoke 4 packs of Pall Mall Straights, drink a full bottle of E and J and have a bad ticker. If your medical bill is longer then Santa's Naughty list and your bank account has more numbers in it then she has toes and tits, she's all yours!

And trust me, she won't be a Playboy model like my example...but you will need to be the bag of bones!

Please forgive me

2008-11-03T09:30:00.002-06:00

I've been so busy thinking about myself, I forgot about all of you! So in light of yesterdays entries filled with awe inspiring women, here is a bit of Fuckability Factor for you.

I need to go get a towel to sit on. I'm making a puddle on my leather chair...

Me want to touchy...

Meet your new Mrs. Potato Farmer/Logger USA

2008-11-02T09:42:00.012-06:00

Ahhhh, yes, it's good to be back home! I've had a very busy two weeks. Between interviews, autograph signing and the ever-present male suitor trying his best to win a moment of my time with his awe inspiring wiles, I've hardly had the time to write!

Don't I look so happy? They were placing the crown of dog treats on my head right here.

I haven't forgotten you all. My loyal followers whom I love so much, I'd give my one front tooth to slather you with a vat of strawberry jam topped with chicken gravy and gobble you up...Sorry, I got a little choked up just now. Either that or I have a little left-over blubber caught in my gullet from the beluga feed to celebrate my win.

I thought I'd share the runner ups with everyone. They were sore losers! They claimed I shaved my bunions off and gave the judges foot jobs and that's how I won. It's not my fault they didn't own an industrial strength steel grinder like I do!

This is Elsa. They snapped a shot of her just as my name was announced. She was a mean bitch and I wear she put some of her short and curlies in my coffee grounds. It tasted a lot like rancid goats milk. Elsa was First Runner Up and I think she is plotting to tie my pit hairs to the bedframe so I can't live up to my duties. Don't let those supple lips and sexy eyes

fool you, she's a meanie-head!

Here we have Cindy. Cindy was the 2nd runner up and frankly, she scares the shit out of me. She warned me that if she didn't win, she would snap my fallopian tubes in half so I couldn't have kids. But the joke is on her! My mom and dad were also brother and sister. I was born with my fallopian tubes on my forehead. My cousin, who is also my grandma and niece, said my mom had them removed so I wasn't teased growing up. Thanks mom! Oh, back to Cindy, I do have to say she has the most sexy voice ever! I just couldn't figure out why everyone was asking if Barry White was a guest judge whenever she talked.

Look for one of my publicity stops in a town near you!! I'll be handing out my underwear, signed of course, with a picture of the two of us together. Meow!

Will you play with me?

2008-11-02T09:27:00.007-06:00

Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park
I am seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. There have been miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.
Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.
I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

I can almost promise that almost every man who has read this instantly Googled "Dwayne The Rock Johnson." They want to feel his bulging muscles pressed firmly against them while he sings a medley of Barry Manalow hits, soothing them into a sweet somber right before he crushes their skull and rids them of the thought of being a dinosaur. Not a real, flesh eating one, mind you, but something you can find at a road-side tourist stop in the middle of Montana while on a quest for the elusive 3 nutted jackalope.

The sheer logistics of this even boggle my mind, and I'm a woman. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of smoke and pain a man's mind would produce should they try to figure out how to use their jaw to crash down through the overhead window. I've been on the roof of an SUV before and I assure you, it takes much more then your jaw to get inside without someone opening it for you. Sidenote: Standing on top of the glass while jumping up and down as you're doing the Electric Slide WILL get you inside without help, atleast one leg anyway.

Guys, if you really want a walk on this wild side, opt to just spit on her, kick some dirt in her face, fling some dog shit right at her chest and call it a day. Oh yes, and roar once in awhile so she doesn't call the cops on you.

You Like Me, You REALLY Like Me

2008-10-25T09:59:00.003-05:00

Well folks, we've been experiencing so much traffic, I just don't know what to say! I want to thank my loyal followers who accept my poor grammar and full-fledged retardation. I'm a Blonde Pollack, so all you new-comers, please take pity on me. It's out of my control! It's genetics!

All kidding aside, I am going to be forced to go to no more then 2 posts a week. Contributions are slowing down and I'm lacking time to fuck around on the net while at work. The actually want me to earn my paychecks! Can you believe the nerve of them? Anyway, I'm also learning that us women aren't nearly as fucked up and desperate as the men, so there is less fodder. Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of gems, but I must pace myself.

In honor of CutNJump's brand new additions to her family, I've posted this weeks Fuckability Factor with the theme that so many of us have...Hot Men That Pretend To Be Cowboys. We don't care if they ride/train/own horses since we're better then them anyway and don't want their input. But if they look good in the right jeans with the right hat and either an open or no shirt, we're in egg-releasing glory!

Express Lube

2008-10-25T09:36:00.001-05:00

I am going to be honest here - w4m - 21
I have fallen on some tough times and I don;t have enough money to pay to get my oil changed. I would like to have a man change my oil for no cost, and in return I will let you choose one of the following: First, I will give you head until you ejaculate as long as you wear a condom, or two, I will let you finger me in my pussy or asshole while I stroke you until you cum. Or, I can let you masturbate by my face while I blow warm air on your dick. I will blow for as long as it takes for you to have an orgasm. I won't actually suck your dick, but I think blowing air on it will be exciting. The guy who helps me out will be happy they did. And then we can do the same thing every time I need my oil changed if you want. I need my oil changed ASAP because I am 3,000 miles over where I am suppose to be from where I was told I needed to have my oil changed. Jessica

Where to start! If a man could get off with a hair dryer mounted to his headboard, why on Earth would he need to get greasy to shoot his 3” of ranging thunder with you? I believe the term was taken too literal with Jessica here.

Warm air being blown might be hot for say, oh, I don’t know, a woolly mammoth that is within a block of frozen Sperm Whale piss,. But for a red-blooded man, blowing your breath that smells a lot like you were eating cat turds for breakfast on his cock will get him off about as fast as watching Rosanne Barr doing jumping jacks while nude. You’re face within inches of his cock will incite the same amount of desire as old Ro’s “Hey Girl” arm wings flapping in the breeze a few short feet from his crotch.

After speaking with several of my favorite ball-sack bearers, I’ve learned the whole act of them driving their nubs into a woman’s vagina so they can massage her tonsils the hard way is just a route they take to sex. Sure, they say they enjoy it but there is a motive to their actions. Just fingering and going is not it.

By my calculations, you better be offering of $29.99 worth of service or the only men you’ll attract are those that couldn’t find their ass without TomTom GPS, let alone your oil pan. I have a better suggestion. Sell your car so you can afford it’s oil change.

Bending My Own Rules

2008-10-21T14:37:00.003-05:00

(My additions are in purple)
SWF who isn't asking too much
I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.
I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.
-non smoker
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions Because the 13 I already have might get lonely
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction Because I suffer from OBS (Overactive Bowl Syndrome) and my diaper only holds so much
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture Wicker killed my childhood pet dog, Frank
-must be 420 friendly April 20th is my favorite date!
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS I'm sorry, my back sheds a lot
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary I'm far too lazy to get off my ass and get my 2 liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew, so you need to know how
-some knowledge of vintage wine Boons Farm 2001 is my favorite!
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad That's what my Community College French Professor called me "A Broad"
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser I will fucking KILL YOU if you get this wrong, too
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men My cats flush, too
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas Bums that can't play an instrument or sing and fry slingers are my type
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys Or Musicians!
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins Why are you tilting your head at me like that? Never heard of them? They were out-of-work a few weeks ago.
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack) Ryan Jacob Bernstein, stop sitting on that cat's head! Your B is scaring him! Damn kids.
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant Or Wendys
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5 So that would be 4 or 7, just incase you were confused.
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards) They skeer me
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders. Or fax machines and copiers.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert Dilbert's eyes follow me where ever I go and it's really creeping me out, man!
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town It's my only chance to see my parents. They're headliners in the side-show
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson "See Spot Run" count, though
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen or atleast thumbed through them
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF ********
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access and if I'm not your number one, I will shove that phone up your nose sideways then donkey punch you right in the face
-must love pinball and not play ping pong but you have to bring the quarters
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films I'm still pissed that Pretty In Pink and Home Alone 2 never won Oscars! It's got to be rigged!
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind She should be more like ME
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification since I choke while bathing often
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too! My drug supplier keeps a tight schedule and doesn't like to wait.
-NO FELONS!!! If you've been caught, go away.
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience) He couldn't make dinner or bring me my soda. It was too much for me.
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable but will settle for Community College
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours since I don't think it's right for you to go more then 10 minutes without me being in contact. Just remember, if I can't talk to you, I will start shocking your balls until I can figure out where the yelping is coming from. Don't make me do that.
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores Either eat plants or eat animals, not both! Eggs and butter don't count if they're in chocolate. If I catch you eating a burger with lettuce on it, I will turn the switch to 10 and hold down the button for 3 minutes.
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS Colorado beer makes me queef too much
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse. Skirts are okay though

I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics. ~M

Normally, I edit some posts for length purposes or private information. Sometimes you find an ad that goes on and on and frankly, I have the attention span of a hamster on crack and just don't want to read the whole damn thing. Call me lazy.

This chick is far too rich to edit. I’m completely surprised she hasn’t requested that you send the girth measurement for around your cock and balls so she can see if she has a shock collar handy that will already fit. After all, why should she bother to purchase a new form of punishment for when you walk with just a slight too much spring in your step after shitting out a log the size of a baby’s arm that left a Hersey swirl on her pristine toilet bowl.

M, the sex with you better be fucking fantastic, and you better swallow, because that is about the only way you’re going to keep a guy from calling Animal Control to come pick up your foaming-at-the-mouth-crazy ass. ****Why must the ability of converting MS Word Docs into PDF be a criteria on who would be a life-long mate option? Is this some new fetish that I was unaware of?

I’m sure the mass collections of men in the world suffer from a strange phenomenon whenever M lets out her mating call. They start gasping for air as the contents of their ball-sacks race up into their body cavity at mach 3. Sperm curdles, grown men weep and I’m sure at least a handful end up sucking their thumbs and wetting their pants.

A man will never win with a women like M. You will lose and you will be humiliated in the process…

Just A Thank You

2008-10-17T08:01:00.003-05:00

WOW! I'm in complete awe over the traffic this little project has received. Be sure to keep those ads and ego strokes coming.

Here is my little offering of gratitude. Please be sure to sit on a towel, I don't want to be responsible for soiled chairs that are ruined due to the following.

In the words of the man that started this, I fucking love you guys!

(Edited due to Ella's comment) Everyone, I'd like you to meet Josh!

I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd!

2008-10-16T11:46:00.002-05:00

josh from the frat house on 15th
I'm pregnant. ~Jenny

Short, sweet and to the point. Jenny is a full-fledged slut. I’m guessing the evening transpired like this:

Jenny carefully picked out an outfit that screamed, “Take me now and you’ll never forget me!” She was sure to shave from head to toe since it was a long winter and she was beginning to rival Robin Williams. After all, what man would touch a woman whose nipples resemble a dried up Chia Pet?

Jenny made sure to put a dab of her finest knock-off perfume in all of the right places. She was on the prowl and wanted the world to know it. After fixing her hair just right and putting on her clothes, she slipped 18 condoms into her clutch just in case she caught more then one man and headed out the door.

She arrived at the kegger party and scoped out the room. She wanted young, she wanted fit; she wanted daddy’s money. Across the room she spotted her first victim. A loner, quietly picking his nose while the party raged on around him. He was perfect! He sported an onyx-faced watch, trendy, albeit poorly matched, clothing. She locked onto him like Bill Clinton with a new office assistant that has a lifetime subscription to the Cigar Of The Month club.

Slowly and with the stealth of a one-legged Emperor Penguin, she made her way to his side of the room. As he saw this woman staggering her way towards him, he quickly rubbed his fingertips under the ledge of the table he was sitting on so he didn’t have that balled up booger clinging onto the groves of his finger prints for dear life.

After exchanging witty banter that resembles the mating call of the severely inbred barn cat that is hiding somewhere outside of your bedroom window, they make their way out to Jenny’s 1984 VW Rabbit. The windows become opaque with steam as they quickly remove each other’s clothing with such skill, it would leave an Gold Medal winning under-water basket weaver in awe.

Just as the moment of glory was upon then, the young man asks, “Do you have a condom?” To which Jenny replies, “Yes! Several!” And with that, she removes what seems to be a never-ending string of individually wrapped condoms. She rips one off and hands it to her lover unaware that he had already creamed the backseat of your beloved car and was feverishly yanking at his now comatose penis.

“I need you NOW!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. He fumbled even more with his over-boiled hot dog until there was just enough life brought back into it that he could sort of roll down the glove of spermicidal wonder. Once in place, Jenny fought for her release.

Sweaty and heaving for air, she patted the young man on the top of the head and sent him on his way. As she climbed into the driver’s seat and prepared to head home, she noticed something odd. There was a condom unrolled over an old and lint-covered tootsie roll that must of escaped from her purse. Jenny, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, discarded her recent find and went home.

5 weeks later, this ad showed up. Josh, sweetie, do you remember shoving your fingers up anyone’s ass that night? That wasn’t shit on your fingers, it was chocolate and you should be expecting a subpoena for a DNA test within the next 2-4 weeks. Have a nice life!

Community College At It's Finest

2008-10-13T16:46:00.002-05:00

Well Ladies and, ummm, Weasel (and maybe the one other guy that reads this)? Someone stepped up to the plate and hit a home run! Miss CutNJump is showing me up and I'm lovin' it! So without further ado:

New nurse looking for someone to assessI'm a quiet girl who likes to hang at home or go out, I'm not cocky and full of myself(always a plus) and I'm looking for somebody sweet who likes to have fun. I'm expecting my first little boy in a couple of monthes and I can't wait until he's here. I live at home with mom and dad for now. Looking for a new job after my surgery. I guess if I meet the right person I'll know. Looks are not everything, they can be deceiving. Sammy

Well now Sammy, several visuals are forming here… None of them are good.

Are you wanting to assess my ass, asses or my assets? Just to be clear- stay away from all three.

You are expecting a child and new to the nursing field. Did you miss the section on fertility and reproduction? Biology 101 wasn’t it? Or human anatomy? Anyways, you might be a quiet girl who likes to hang out, but look where it got you. Knocked up! You’re expecting a little one soon, probably have no contact with the dad, which many of us guess with the accuracy of an arrow shot out of Robin Hoods bow, you aren’t sure who that really is anyways. *wink* To top it off, you are living at home with your parents. What a prized 'catch' you are, Sammy!

You say it is a plus that you are not cocky or full of yourself, but really now. You must not be, since the only cock you have seen has been a few months ago now, save your vibrator in the nightstand drawer. You say you aren’t full of yourself? True, your tummy is full of someone else. Or at least the result of a couple of table spoons of protein infused, joy juice he unloaded the last time he hit it and quit it. Should have gone with the vibrator all along, Sammy. You wouldn’t be in this position. Looks can be deceiving as you say, and apparently your latest lover was too....

Will you be my ATM?

2008-10-11T09:42:00.005-05:00

Seeking finaincal help
Help me out, i just moved to the area and need some money for rent and some other things, it wont be cheap but we can get to know each other and see how things go. Cam

Short and sweet, don’t you think? What Cam is really saying is, "I’m a lazy slob that couldn’t get a job scraping the gum off of park benches so I want to be able to just lay on my back, twitch a little, and have my bills paid for me. However, before you can fork over half of your paychecks to cover all my needed expenses like a weekly truck load delivery of Krispy Kremes and subscriptions to all the gossip magazines as well as Cam’s running tab at KFC, you have to do what you men love to do…talk, and court, and talk, and spend money on dates, and talk, and send mushy text messages, and talk, and spend more money trying to get in my pants to find out if the sex is even worth going back for seconds let alone paying my bills."

Odds are that Cam was pushed out of the last town she lived in by an angry mob of town folk carrying torches and pitchforks. “Out you hideous beast! OUT!” They would scream into the night all while pelting poor Cam with a tasty assortment of olives. See, the town had a problem with Cam’s type. You know the type I speak of. Too lazy to work, 30 or more unfixed cats spraying their scent all over the house making it smell so strong, the town folk’s eyes burned if they got less then two blocks away. Cam would seduce the drunk men that hid in the dark corners of the area dive bars so their wives couldn’t find them, then black mail them into buying her some kitty litter and Meow Mix. The only reminder her married lover would have to remember her by was the urine and hairball stained jeans and a rash that resembled rotten cauliflower.
Want to know what men hate about women like this? EVERYTHING! The only upside is at least Cam is forward about it. Most will drag you through the mud with a false idea that they actually like you and want you to touch them!

FYI, this picture did not come with this ad. I'm assuming our poster looks more like the following:

Temporarily Out Of Order

2008-10-06T11:29:00.003-05:00

In hopes to tie the majority of readers over, I've posted this week's Fuckability Factor. I should be back up and running with more trainwrecks towards the end of this week but until then, I'm celebrating my birthday (32 years old today...I'm a big girl now!) and my wedding.

So behave, play nice and keep those awesome emails coming!

Enjoy!

Killing him softly with your...clothes?

2008-10-05T13:12:00.046-05:00

Ahhhhh, steaming hot coffee. Such a perfect way to start this entry out. I thought we'd change things up a bit. Instead of posting insane Drag Queens and Virtual Sluts, lets switch gears to what REALLY works. Our clothes. So please, go get yourself a big ol' vat of bacon flavored yogurt and enjoy this feast for the eyes.

First, let's meet Ms. Camel Toe and Ms. Moose Knuckle.

Here we have Ms. Camel Toe sporting the latest in "Come Hither" fashion with her crotch swaddling frock. The toilet paper in her hair is to wipe the drool off of her shoes once a man catches a glimpse of this Barfing My Little Pony meets Punky Bruester outfit! Rwarrrr! I can hear the zippers splitting as I type!

Think it doesn't get any hotter?

Next I'd like to introduce you to the lovely and charming, Ms. MooseKnuckle. What can we say about Ms. MooseKnuckle? She enjoys

long walks around the Buffet counter, thongs and her removable-head shower. Her dislikes include tweeter linter left behind by any Charmin product, movie theater seats and anything that isn't spandex. Ms. MooseKnuckle will take your breath away without even speaking. Do you need an inhaler? No? Okay, but if you change your mind after its too late, Ms. MooseKnuckle is licensed in CPR.

Time to meet your Son's potential Prom dates:

Bachelorette #1 is sporting the latest fashion created from slaughtering innocent baby bunnies and smearing their still warm blood in flattering, and functional, horizontal lines. Pair with a Mid-80’s Madonna styled fingerless gloves and a kicky black boy-short for every boys dream. Fuck-off-and-die look sold separately. If your son picks #1, he'll surly have a night to remember!

Date #2 comes as a package deal. The left over remains of the Homecoming party that your son doesn't even remember going to stands up, front and center. Ask him to explain later, after all, you don't want to ruin this Milestone for him by beating him repeatedly upside the head with the telephone screaming, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR FATHER AND ME?! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDMOTHER! IS THIS THE ASS OF A GRANDMOTHER?" as you force him to feel your semi-firm buttocks. Leave that mental scaring for tomorrow morning when he's suffering from a hangover and his baby's momma is safely at her home. You might want to take this opportunity to pack all his belongings and get the plane ticket to Greenland purchased. I hear it's nice there once a year!

And last, but not least, Date #3:

Date #3 hails all the way from beautiful downtown Dubuque Iowa right across of Wing C of Tom's Animal Rendering Plant! She enjoys caring for animals that haven't had their heads cut off, providing her voice for equal rights, shaving Weasel's back hair and the occasional foreign flick. She'll take care of your son's needs and be sure to buffer any impacts from speeding, out of control hot dog stands. She really makes herself known!

Now lets move on to the women that Big Boys Who Never Grew Up love:

Did you just hear that? It was the world-wide collective gulp of billions of men becoming increasingly thirsty. This was my answer to the starving 3rd world countries in Africa. They’d thirst no more. I sent my plans to FEMA, I suspect it'll be about 5 years before they around to reading it. Anyway, men, look out! You asked for it and now you have it! Stop your panting! There's more then enough to go around.

Do you remember as a young man, lying on the floor staring up with doe eyes as Sesame Street danced before you? Do you remember the fond, butterfly like feelings when they drifted off to see Mr. Snuffalumpagus? Did you know he was married? Well he was! Although he filed for divorce in 1992 because he could no longer hide his feelings for Big Bird, he still cares deeply for the former Misses. Here you see her walking through a busy market with her ex-sister-in-law, NotAsFuzzy Snuffalimpagus. They still remain close.

Here we have random acts of testoserone catching outfits.

This fetching cougar reels in the big fish with her built-in cup holder. Her crown serves as a Penis holder and she has her very own bucking strap firmly in place at her mid-section. While sharing a passionate moment, call her Shamoo and hold on for dear life! She's feisty!

This young lady sports what many call a "muffin top" but around here, it's called HANDLEBARS. The days of using pig-tails to hold on are long gone. Now the men see this as a meaty spot to sink their fingers into and turn into an out of control jack-hammer. I hear the rushing sound of ballsacks filling to the brim with sperm. You're welcome!

Do you hear a sound that resembles a hundred piece drum band? That's the sound of the racing heart of every man within a 12 block radius of this ass-eating-pants garb. They figure if a woman's ass can suck and devour material like this, their cock is in for a real treat and they won't need to sneak over into the farmer's calf barn anymore! SCORE!

Finally, our last entry in our tour of man-catching attire, it's Aunt Rosemary! You may remember her as the kind soul that gave Betty her 500 Gold and joined in their Geekdom Orgy. Aunt Rosemary's got it going on! See how the polka-dots and lopsided boobs bring out her eyes? I see you trying to hold back. Don't deny your animal urges. Take her, take her now! We'll look away, promise.

And now I go on hiatus! I'll be back later this week...maybe!

Slave Labor Rocks!

2008-10-04T07:35:00.004-05:00

Since it's common knowledge that after this week, I won't be able to answer any of Weasel's victims ads and with the upcoming events over the next 2 weeks I will be tied up. Hopefully without being in a basement and with clown poking my belly trying to make me giggle. So posts will be few and far between. Then it struck me! Get lazy and sub-contract!

So here is your challenge, should you choose to accept it: Find an ad (they don't have to come from JUST CL but avoid Yahoo and any other copy write protected personals site), writing the commentary and attach any photos, whether they came with the ad or they help drive the point home like a hot French fry into the eye of the slow-as-fuck slob with a full cart in front of you in the 10 Items Or Less checkout line at Wal-Mart. Send them to my email!

That being said, if your ad/commentary doesn't make the front page, don't get your panties in a bunch! The way my email has been filling up lately, odds are there will be a lot of competition. I might tweak them a bit, too!

For all your hard work, you will get full credit and a 10-gallon bucket of freshly made horseshit in the mail. Hell of a deal, huh? If it's really good, I'll email directly to you Weasel's nudie picture! It's unlike anything you've ever seen! So hop to it kids!

And IIIiiiIIIiii Will Always Love YoooOOOuuuUUUU

2008-10-04T03:57:00.001-05:00

WANT TO TRY TO MAKE ME MELT? :0
Do you like my teddies? My likes i have many the best is to try to get your winks, if you like my red outfit. I can be talked into others. I plan to be the best gal to the best guy. I can give special candlelite dinners so I can feed him special fruits and Kbobs with chilled cider with fancy glasses with ribbons with music and slow dances in front of the electric fireplace ( LOL ) Guy must have picture knows how to dress, looks help and knows how to treat a lady. No boss and no luggage. has to want a new begging no secrets and other loves.would like him to have nice teeth. Now you know this woman what she is about. don't you really think the woman you have pictured that you will seek is her after all. this is my story and i am sticking to it!!!

I wonder if Santa Claus knows his wife is stepping out on him? I’m sure he’s far too busy playing with all the little men running around his waist. However, I hear Dancer is mighty peeved that his Twoo Luv is surfing the net trying to find someone else to touch her “teddies”. He’s a jealous little fucker.

As with most ads, she lists her requirements needed in a mate. Ironically enough, she has the nerve to say that the guy who courts her (I’m sorry dude!) must “know how to dress.” This coming from a woman that is still sporting a Bee-Hive and wearing an outfit created for 19 year old porn stars.

I could easy copy FHOTDs posting about market research and offering a product within it’s range. The same goes for todays collection of Drag Queens. If you’re looking to find a date in San Fransico, you will hit the Mother Load. If you’re looking to attract a down-home farmer, too late, he has his pigs already. There’s no need for you.

You just called an "E" asshole!

2008-10-04T03:40:00.001-05:00

N0 FRAUDS,FAKES,YOUNGER,PIERCING,TATTOOS,TOO HAIRY,BLACK,BG,EASTEU,ARABIC
A Librarian-Petite, A bit shy, MA-library management,proper manners & moral.Esteem the family traditions & family.Prefers to think properly before my words/action. I’m Sensitive;Very Emotional-get interest for others emotions & values. There's a lot of love in heart for the right man & in return to receive it. Seek a meaningful LTR with intellectually equal companion who can command my respect & would respect also my thoughts,opinions & perspective.Passion, tenacity,tolerance & love of laughter are important.But the reciprocation on all levels& communication are essential elements in every relationship, if is to endure. Look for a complete honest,Loyal, White, Graduated, Christian man, 43-59yo who’ll love &adore me- a strong man with strong& good heart who’ll want our relationship to last forever.HIS WILLING TO RELOCATION TO ME COULD BE AN OPTION. No Piercing, Tattoos, Long-Beard/Hair. NO Black,BG,Eastern-Europe,Arabic.

WOW! This lady is a 24/7 52 weeks a year PMS sufferer. I wouldn’t be all too surprised if she rolled into Sam’s Club with her own Semi truck to get pallets worth of Pamprin. I’m about as shocked that she is single as I was seeing Clay Aiken on the cover of People proclaiming he is gay. I mean, jeez, my gadar had to be sent into the shop due to an overload during the Season 2 auditions!

When I first ran through this ad, all I could think was a lady who would beat her partner sensless with a Bible if he even thought of wearing less then full flannel pajamas to bed. She would be sure to have a box of Kleenex on each side of the bed so Skippy could wipe his member off after their hot 5 minutes of missionary sex, during which, she would skillfully solve all the puzzles on Wheel Of Fortune. The only sounds made during this previously scheduled event would be her snapping at him because his head was in the way of the TV screen.

Then I saw this-->
HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! That woman scares the hell out of me!! Some people can’t be nearly as picky as she is. It’s just the law of life. When you resemble a partially blind drag queen that got ready in the back of a 74 Volkswagon Rabbit that had no shock or suspention system left, you need to lower the bar a touch. Like, ground level. It's not like I could post an ad and hope to snag Vin Diesel. Let's be realistic!

Also, make sure to get paper bags when grocery shopping, too. Visitors won’t take kindly to having plastic wrapped over their melons when they walk through the door. You’ll thank me for this advice later, you fucking whacko.

I can’t help but look for an adam’s apple…

I think if you're a male, with a pulse, running far away and hiding out would be your safest bet. She hates you and anything like you. Just accept it and move on.

Fuckability Buffer

2008-10-02T07:31:00.000-05:00

And how I'd like to buff this!!

You've been warned.

Don't blame me.

You asked for it.

Blood-thirsty baby ducklings...the whole lot of ya!

Here's your Fuckability Factor. Enjoy it. You'll never want to have sex again after this. Yes, I'm a pig. Deal with it.

If you're in shorts or sweats...run!

2008-10-02T07:00:00.002-05:00

old enought to be your mom… - 43
and horny enough to suck your cock son (18+) good looking women looking for sons to drop by in there sweatpants or shorts, just take there cock and balls out, and let mom milk the cream from there cock. Friends of my son any race also welcome for some oral service. A big load is a terrible thing to waste. pic 4 pic, Brenda

In one short ad, this Brenda has ruined everything the rest of us uterus card holding members have worked so hard for. Brenda is the female equivalent to the 89 year old pervert that stands just outside of the bus stop shelter flashing his freeze-dried resemblance of a wanker to people seeking shelter from a downpour. Even though they’re being pelted with Volkswagen sized hail, risking being electrocuted like an ill-fortuned forest hiker that got clothes lined by an electric fence, and possibly catching a cold that will make them pray for death, they will run away. Far away.

The only difference is our friend Brenda is sitting out by her mailbox in a flowered house coat and foaming at the mouth while the local Varsity football team jogs by. You can pick her out easily. She’ll be the one dry humping and licking the mailbox post like a newly pound-released St. Bernard after the old in-heat Beagle bitch with 13 whelps under her belt, then cursing because she got slivers on her tongue. Oddly enough, the football team has developed a detour training route. Now they don’t get origins-unknown slime flung at them while Brenda pounds on her chest and makes a noise awfully similar to that of a Black Spider Monkey that just found a new piece of ass.

The only creaming that should come to you involves you repeated thwacking your skull inside of the refrigerator door. Thirty nice hard pulls should do the trick. If you need help, call me. By the way, if your son isn’t talking to you anymore, it’s because every time he has friends over, they complain that they have to go shopping afterward. You keep ripping their clothes off. They’d stop you, but your growling and spinning head tends to freak them out a bit.

Brenda has shook me to my very core. Thanks to her though, I've lost 6 pounds since this came into my email box. I miss food. Bitch.

All that work and you can't even sniff her panties...

2008-10-02T02:30:00.000-05:00

No one wants to pretend? - 28 (Odenton)
So I got a few responses yesterday but only one that really caught my attention. But he didn't reply to my email. :( Also, I'm really only interested in guys under 40. So let's try this again...

I guess I'm looking for someone to treat me nice for at least tonight. Maybe pretend you're my boyfriend. We can meet at a bar and just be nice to me. Hold my hand, dance with me, tell me I look nice. I haven't had that in a really really long time. I would like to go out and have fun tonight, but not the Ooh, look at him, he's cute--I hope I don't have toilet paper stuck to my shoe-anxiety-inducing night.
I'm nice looking--5'6 blonde/blue, curvy. Your pic gets mine. Not looking for any freaky sex, just a nice guy. If just for tonight, that's okay. No strings, I promise. We can do fake names even. Cassie

Let me break this down for you all:

1. I’m needy.
2. I don’t think Sean Connery NOW is good looking.
3. You’re paying for everything. I’m broke.
4. I’ve read Cinderella 5 bagillionty times and base my life on it and it alone.
5. I’m needy and have self-created baggage.
6. My mom says I’m cute and true beauty comes from within.
7. It’s just the baby fat. No, I don’t have kids.
8. You won’t answer if my picture is up and if you’re ugly, I’m not replying.
9. Even though you buy everything and pretend to be Prince Charming, you’re still not getting in my pants.
10. No strings that you can see at least. I’ll be calling you 7 times a day for the next month crying, “Why don’t you like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”
11. If you give me a fake name and number, I’m going to boil your goldfish and shit in your shoes while you’re at work.

The rest of the single and sane women of the world thank you Cassie. All the men you have scared away are now taking them to dinner. Kudos.

The Spew Will Come Out Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

2008-10-01T15:31:00.004-05:00

I have have been on the fence about tomorrow's post for a good week now. I wasn't sure if I was going to publish it. It's rank. It's foul. It will make you sick. It's the worst of the worst. And to the person that sent it to me...I hate you. A lot.

I do appreciate all the ads I've been sent! Do me a favor though, copy and paste them since some of the fuckwits delete their crap before I get to it, or they get flagged and yanked. Sounds kinky, huh?

The Mother Load: Revisited

2008-09-30T08:17:00.010-05:00

Be Mama's Big Boy, come drink my fresh milk

OK, mommy needs her baby boy...
come lay in my lap and drink from my full breasts...
I'll keep you warm in a blanket and stroke your skin as you take your fill of my milk. mama rewards good boys, but if you are cranky at first that is ok, I'll take care of your needs. Send me a note telling me how thirsty and hungry you are. How badly do you need to latch on to my nipples while I keep you safe and warm like a good mommy should? more info makes this happen faster...and my TITS are feeling quite full, lets make this happen, Please help mama release some pressure. My place or yours. talk soon! Kathy

I’ll give everyone a minute to remove their head from the barf bag…Better now? No? Still seeing your morning coffee in reverse? Okay, one more minute for you…

Are we ready now? Great! If anyone else was a huge “Friends” fan like me, the image of Chandler and Ross jumping back with their eyes ready to roll out of their skull while Joey puts some of Carol’s stored breast milk into his coffee rushes into their mind like a raging, wheelbarrow wielding 45 year old lady, that owns over twenty cats, to a spilled truck load of Meow Mix. Granted, while watching that, you probably laughed it off but with poor Kathy here, you want to scratch your eyeballs out with a coat hanger and stab your thigh repeated with a used Spork just to make you think of something else, anything else. I agree completely!

Kathy’s attempts to find a mate by tempting the male gender with a nutritious, vitamin filled snack while they lay on a lap too small to hold them which belongs to a clearly unstable and barely legal stranger that has either overactive mammary glands, or a very small child attached to the other nipple, is preposterous! After all, what man will touch anything healthy without being threatened with bodily harm?

Maybe Kathy would have better luck saying her milk from her right breast tastes like a slider burger from White Castle and the left’s flavor would make them think they are chugging down an ice cold Miller Genuine Draft, as long as their eyes were closed and their tongue was covered in taste censoring blisters.

I wish Kathy all the luck in the world. After all, I remember the discomfort I felt when my breasts were so full of milk, I couldn’t even put my arms down at my side because, oddly enough, my armpits seemed to grow boobs. And I didn’t even have to lay on my back for that to happen! So any relief she can get is fantastic. Maybe we can put her in touch with Mack.

Guys, Wolverine is for you (and, come on, he's for me too! Rwarrr!) and I've given David Beckham to the ladies in hopes to prevent any scarring that I may be liable for. Weas uses cuteness, I use flat out fuckability! You're welcome.

I've got my cattle prod

2008-09-28T10:57:00.003-05:00

And I'm not afraid to use it! I've gotten 1 outfit submission thus far. There have been over 1500 hits (wow!) since the birth of this train wreck, so there are no excuses. I did get one hell of an ego stroke, too. But I need you're help. Without out your contributions, starving dung beetles in Australia will go hungry. Do you really want that on your conscious? I didn't think so!

Send me everything and anyting you have to silkyleather@gmail.com

It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it

2008-09-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD DO....
I FEEL SO DESPERATE, LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW IS GOIN TO SEE THIS AND SAY "HEY WHAT YOU DOING ON HERE" BUT LIKE LL COOL J WOULD SAY "I NEED LOVE" HAHAHA.... I AM AN AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN, 24 YEARS OF AGE MOTIVATED WOMAN THAT LOVES HER JOB. I AM A DIRECTOR OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS IN THE HOSPITALITY FIELD. I STAND 5 FEET TALL, NICE SMILE, EAR LENGTH HAIR, STRAIGHT TEETH. IM ALWAYS TIRED BUT NEVER GET SLEEP. WHAT I LIKE IN A MAN: AGE IS OPEN JUST DONT BE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND NOT ON VACATION FROM YOUR NURSING HOME. RACE IS OPEN AS WELL IVE DECIDED TO NOT PUT AN AGE OR RACE ON LOVE...... I LIKE STRAIGHT TEETH, A PERSON THAT LIKES TO LOOK NICE AND TAKE CARE OF HIM SELF. SOMEONE THAT KNOWS HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BUT DOESNT MIND HIS WOMAN TAKING OVER. I LOVE A GUY THAT UNDERSTANDS THAT A WOMANS WORTH IS PRICELESS.... I WANT A GUY THAT WILL SUPPORT MY IDEAS EVEN WHEN WE BOTH KNOW THERE STUPID. IM LOOKING FOR A RIGHT FOR MY LEFT, IM LOOKING FOR A BEAT FOR MY…ALYSHA

Well, Alysha, let me break a few things down for you. Let's start with the most obvious. The Cap Locks. For the love of all that is assbackwards and smelly, why oh WHY must you type in all caps? Do you know what it says to the world, "I'M A FUCKING MORON!" It screams that you have very little education and that holding a conversation with you would be like holding bat-blind skunk. We have to move slowly and carefully as we try to maneuver through dinner or else some foul smell will omit out of your ass as you try to figure out what the hell just happened. We're better of just trying to avoid you as we pass you on the street.Secondly, 18 to 80 is your age range? So you're okay with changing diapers, no matter which end of the age spectrum it comes from. Brilliant! That will sure put the odds in your favor! The only real stipulation to age is that you don't live with your parents and that your kids haven't shipped you off to the Ye 'Ol Dust Fart farm.

Translation time! "DIRECTOR OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS IN THE HOSPITALITY FIELD" really means “I wipe the cum stains off of my Pimp's other ho's spandex in hopes to lure back Charlie Sheen. I'm also in charge of tucking the trannies!” She must work in the busy side of town because she's "ALWAYS TIRED BUT NEVER GET SLEEP." The number of sperms she wipes off in an hour dwarfs the National Deficit. I'm sure by now she has turned the tucking of a limp, unused penis into an art form. Bravo!

Full translation of ad: Hi! I'm short, dropped out of school when I was 7, I need you in order to be happy, don't wear a weave and help make the local prostitutes jobs far more financially beneficial. What I want is a nerdy little white boy with no life or thoughts of his own to worship me and tell my big ass is the hottest thing since CoCo Pebbles. I'm very co-dependent so be ready to be my sole source of happiness. Don't leave me! I neeeeed you! I want to come with you when you pee. I can't be without you. You must listen to rap and know who my idol, LL Cool J, is. He really drops the knowledge. Wait, where are you going? Don't let a mild heart attack keep me away from you! Come back!

How much for a sandwich?

2008-09-28T08:29:00.005-05:00

Seeking finaincal help
Help me out, i just moved to the area and need some money for rent and some other things, it wont be cheap but we can get to know each other and see how things go. Pam

I’m just going to throw it out there. You are a lazy, worthless sow. Get off of your 40 acre ass, roll outside and go sling some fries. Don’t eat those fries though. For pond scum like you, we will be serving Koala dung on a fresh slice of elephant foot shaving. To drink, you can wash it down with a hot, steaming cup of leech slime.

Pam, no man that actually has money will answer to this ad. If you’re looking to trade services for, say, two cups of the finest Famunda cheese* on your side of the tracks, then you’ll surely hit the jackpot. With it, you could make a tasty sandwich on your back bacon** with a healthy serving of butt butter***. So, ultimately, you would get a meal out of offering yourself to the highest bidder. I think you're setting the bar too high to expect anything else. After all, what do you truly have to offer?

Normally, when women are looking to make a buck or two off of a schmuck dumb enough to fall for them, they are sly, cool, calm, blood-thirsty giraffes that use their wiles, and by wiles I mean tits, to lure him in before taking over his checkbook and receiving a new car with vanity plates that say “ImWthStupid” on it.

Good luck, Pam. I’m sure someone will be seeing you under the nearest bridge!

*Famunda cheese; noun. Pronounced “fa-mun-dah” Definition: A cream cheese paste like substance that forms behind, and on, the male testicles after sweating all day and being forced to have the testicles rub against the leg. Reference: “From-under” the ballsack, Ball sweat.

**Back Bacon; noun. Pronounced “Bah-k Bay-con” Definition: The two bulbous mounds just above your hip bones on the lower part of your back. Reference: Muffin Top, Love Handles, Overflow

***Butt Butter; noun. Pronounced: “Buh-t Buh-ter” Definition: A thick, Elmer’s glue like residue that forms in ones ass-crack after sweating for an extended period of time. Reference: Anal Discharge, Gross.

Lesson complete.

Time to put you slackers to work

2008-09-25T17:54:00.005-05:00

I'm hoping to have a couple of new posts over the next few days but I'm getting ready to jump ship at my current farm for a new one.

That being said...I want you naughty little tarts to scour the net and find me the most insane outfits and/or size inappropriate clothing (remember, spandex is a privilege, NOT A RIGHT!) photos you can! Shoot 'em to my gmail.

If you fail to give me ammo, I will hunt you down and shove my yellow rubbermaid gloves that I just used to clean my gelding's sheath with right down your throat! Beans and all!

The Best Job Ever

2008-09-24T17:02:00.001-05:00

Casual Sex Partner(s) for Classy Woman - w4mm
Good Afternoon,I am writing on behalf of a Manhattan-based female celebrity for whom I am an assistant to. She is looking for a group of about 5-6 men whom she can keep in an on-call position for sexual favors, such as sensual massage, oral sex, sex, and various other activities. You will be paid when called on to perform a task in addition to a weekly courtesy stipend you will receive for being on call.
If interested, please respond with a PICTUE (preferably one of your face and one nude), and answer the following questions:
1. Age? Height? Weight? Length of penis(erect)?
2. Where are you located?3. What are your hours of availability?
4. What is your occupation?
5. What is your level of sexual experience?
6. Are you disease free? What was the date of your last test?
If interested, we will contact you to arrange a phone and personal interview. If chosen you will be asked to receive testing for AIDS/HIV and STD's (we will cover the cost).Thank You.
Vicky

So right now you are probably thinking, “Heck! This is one hell of a deal. I get paid to live my life as I do right now and if I’m called to shoot my load, I get paid more! And they said I wouldn’t amount to anything if I dropped out of Elementary school!” So you put on your best Goodwill Green Tag special suit, apply a good dose of Suave Deodorant to your armpits and the bottoms of your feet, because why bother showering until you actually get the job, and attempt to gel down your side burns which coincidentally seem to be forming their own ecosystem, complete with green sprouts, enough dirt to grow a bushel of potatoes and something that lets out a humming sound every now and then.

You show up about 15 late because you hear that is the cool thing to do. After all, you are cool and you want to make sure that your new boss knows it. As you ring the doorbell, you give yourself the best pep talk in the world of pep talks.

“You fuckin’ rock man! ROCK! If they can’t see that right away, whip out your humongo dick and wave it at them just like you waved it at the hunched over little old lady that told you shitting on her doorstep while she was teaching her grandson how to play dominos wasn’t a good idea. The sheer sight of me wiggling my cock at her like I was swinging an overly boiled hotdog sure changed her mind! Let the magic of your dick speak for you!” As you look down at your crotch, you remind it, “Dude, you’re the best!”

Just then, the door opens. You’re expecting Pamela Anderson wearing nothing but a rubber band and scratch-n-sniff sticker. The first thing you see is a set of 3” red stilettos. Your eyes slowly gaze upward to pale, but shapely legs. You reach what appears to be a satin robe that falls just below your new bosses naughty bits. Like a stealthy platypus, you continue devouring the sight before you with your eyes, moving upward to the face but not without noticing two very large and very perky milk machines.
Yes! Here comes the face! Holy shit! It’s Liza Minelli! You say, “Nooooo!” But the Dude in your pants says, “Yessssss!”

You touched my funny bone

2008-09-22T19:22:00.004-05:00

You tied me up and I loved it. -
I met you at that after hours place Switchblade Friday night / Sat morning. We talked for a few hours and then I find myself tied up, you were wearing a clown suit and we were in a dark damp basement. Anyway, I had a great time and I'd like to see you again. Please contact me. Jill

When I first read the headline and then the opening sentences, I thought “tied up” meant that he kept her busy for a few hours. It sounded like the chance meeting of two long lost souls, destine to meet that very night, under that lung blackening smoke cloud right above their heads, giving the “Schmidt Beer” sign enough of a hazy cover that you swore it said, ironically enough, “Shit Beer” instead. It had me tilting my head and letting out that sound us women make at the sight of a cute puppy romping gleefully through Shasta daisies, chasing after the prettiest purple butterfly we’ve ever seen. My heart leapt with joy at the thought of two blissful mates becoming one while a flock of fantail doves took flight into the moonlight.

Then I got smacked upside the head by a 2-day-old slab of road kill that once resembled a raccoon. SAY WHAT? Holy shit! Back the fuck up! Did I just read this right? Suddenly visions of Krusty The Klown on Krack flew into my head like a frying pan flying at a no good cheatin’ spouse in a trailer park.

Apparently Jill thinks a good time involves kidnapping, mold and a lot of white makeup. If you really want to see her ovaries perform the flying trapeze, have shoes 8 sizes too big and a flower that squirts hippopotamus milk when you get punched in the ball sack. As if that isn’t enough, if you come equipped with your very own bug infested leaky basement that smells a lot like your Grandma Jean’s bra after she was working in the garden all day, she’ll be yours until the end of time.
So if you’re the prince charming with a clown suit or fetish, be sure to track Jill down. She’ll be the psycho in the park feeding birds to the pinecones. Bring your own rope.

Fuck me and I'll fuck you!

2008-09-20T15:46:00.000-05:00

i need hipster sperm, you need house cleaned......

Hey I am a 19 year old Hispanic girl seeking smart, attractive, well dressed, hipster, to donate sperm. Need somebody with good health, disease free, and no funky family problems like webbed feet, or a fondness for plaid. Really fashionable artsy a plus! I am looking to get pregnant and would require it to be done the "old fashioned way" Unless you would like to help me with the turkey baster (negotiable). In return I’ll clean your house for three months once a week on Sundays at 3 pm. send picture's please...... your place. Maria (xxx)xxx-xxxx

You: A pulse, 10 clearly defined toes, a complete pig that is far too lazy to pick up your shithole townhouse and get rid of the smell of week old urine and beer and Gayer then the Almighty Drag Queen Champion of The Greater San Francisco Bay Area.

Me: A warm hole and have my own yellow Rubbermaid gloves.

If you’re going to respond to our lovely friend, Maria, be sure to fork over your bankcard, wallet and any other source of money you may have. If you do that right away you’ll be ready and warmed up for the next 18 years and 9 months because buddy, she isn’t looking for sperm! That is just her way of reaching up through your pisshole to your wallet, taking a firm hold of it with a grip that would put the jaws of a rabid rabies infest pitbull to shame.

Not only are you facing seeing only 40% of all future paychecks, being forced to give up your spacious townhouse for a studio apartment where the only source of heat is the steaming piles of rat shit in the corners and trading in your Lexus for a 1978 Gremlin that is being held together with Mr. Twisties and packing tape, you can opt for not getting even a second of satisfaction out of this transaction by jerking off into a sandwich baggy then squeezing it into your Grandma’s turkey baster before handing it threw a barely cracked open door to someone on the other side that is talking to themselves.

I just ordered a 55 Gallon drum of Vaseline for the poor schmuck that falls for this dream girl! He’s looking to get laid, she’s looking to get paid.

Does this mask make me look fat?

2008-09-20T09:31:00.000-05:00

An EPIC mount!

Hello I need 5000 world of gold for my epic flying mount. In return you can mount me. You have to have an account on the laughing skull server and I want the 5000 gold BEFORE we do anything, we can make the trade at your place since I can't host. Because I am having a lot of dumb guys message me who clearly don't have the gold make SURE to send: a picture of yourself and a screenshot of your character with the 5000g, I will be checking armory profiles, thanks. I play a level 70 night elf druid and would prefer someone who was into roleplaying (I have a costume!) but honestly anyone will do, as long as you have the gold. I would also be ok with a woman too, as long as you have the gold! Also not adverse to the idea of groups\anal. Please send a pic and be real and drug\disease free with 5000 gold on the laughing skull server. Betty

I'm sure Betty's parents had high expectations for their daughter. They were sure to pick out the best schools, took on second or third jobs just so their sweet daughter could travel abroad and become something great like an Ambassador, International Trade Executive or a doctor saving lives in a third world country. They could see her skipping through a field of Black-eyed Susans, hand in hand with a Biologist from only the best of families. They bought her first computer to help aid in her studies and her path to greatness that would make history.

Imagine their sheer terror as their beloved daughter showed up for the family Christmas dinner looking like she had just spent the last week chasing down 3 year olds on their big wheels with her homemade Staff of Eternal Alchemy because the sounds of their gleeful giggling distracted her and prevented her from leveling up and taking the evils Sloth Lord down and gain bragging rights over her clansmen.

Just when poor ol' Mum and Dad thought it couldn't get any worse, Betty introduces her "boyfriend" whom she tells Aunt Rosemary that she met as the result of a 4 person gang bang at her apartment. In order to stop her Aunt's impending heart failure, she quickly adds, "It's okay! It's not like I did it for nothing. I got a shitload of WOW money so I could by myself a troll to assfuck me in-between battles!!"

Christmas will never be the same. Neither will Aunt Rosemary who is now snorting her applesauce through a rolled up Dilbert cartoon clipping in-between attempts to bite her own ear. The family will forever blame Betty for her nervous breakdown. But Betty will never tell her secret that Aunt Rosemary was part of the hot, sweaty and gnome filled night and where Betty got her 5000 gold.

Men try many different attempts to attract the opposite sex. They buy gifts, show random acts of kindness, even pretend to like your best friend when they would much rather strip naked, dip themselves into a vat of pig urine and roll around repeatedly on top of fire ant hill the size of Delaware then spend one more night listening to her ramble on about her cute Jack Russell terrier that eats the crotch out of her underwear. Never, in a million years, did young boys think that when they were all grown up, wearing their Superman Underoos while slouched over a keyboard for days on end would be the key to getting some ass.

I'll stick to the old fashioned way of getting a man...having a pulse and leaving my house more then once a year.

Wall-to-wall swag carpet

2008-09-19T06:43:00.000-05:00

I AM SEEKING SOMEONE WITH SWAGGER
You know who and what you are and what talents and qualities that you possess if you are reading or even going to reply to this ad. A couple of guidines: 1. If you must ask what "swagger" is, you may not have it 2. And if you got it, you definately have all credentials in place to justify your swagger 3. NO one under 25, again unless your "swag" is so together then it truly doesnt matter Okay, Here's me: I am VERY sexy Realistic and open-minded black woman, who is secure with herself, who has a nice SHAPLEY full figure, who has much to offer no matter the rapport! Let's talk! Tina

I'm the first to admit I've lived a fairly sheltered life that consisted of rainbows, butterflies and the fact that I was over 200 miles from a mall of any substance. An ideal mate in my neck of the woods still has most of their own teeth, only 1 DUI and 3 credits from our local community college. Before the internet came ranging into my life like a teenage boy running away from a pack of hormonal cheerleaders that just caught him masturbating with his sisters underwear, I never knew such qualifications played an important part on who is fuckable and who didn't even stand the chance to sniff a woman's belly button lint that was left in a ball next to the trash can.

Apparently, Tina has the inside information. You MUST have a big ol' heaping pile of swagger. That's the key folks. If you are swagalious enough, you can dip your three solid inches of raging thunder in a shapely realist.

So do you find yourself going, "Hey, Mary, can you please, tell me what 'swagger' is." Well my friend, I don't have a fucking clue! That being said, I decided to crack out my dust covered Webster’s Dictionary.

Dictionary results for swagger:

1. to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.

2. to boast or brag noisily.

3. to bring, drive, force, etc., by blustering.

4. swaggering manner, conduct, or walk; ostentatious display of arrogance and conceit.

What I've been able to figure out, is our friend Tina wants a man who is very vocal about the fact that he thinks he's a God, builds up enough momentum to crash through the Great Wall of China and limps. So fellas, if you're looking for an out of shape, know-it-all that will be sure to point out every single thing you do wrong in bed, even if you are standing in front if a group of nuns that were once your elementary teachers, yet you lack enough "swag" to please this top-notch Republican, remember to don your "I have the biggest fucking dick in the world" T-Shirt, ask the neighborhood Girl Scout Troop to bash your left leg in with a petrified hamster and run through at least six Mack truck trailers before even attempting to reply to Tina.

And so it begins...

2008-09-17T11:01:00.000-05:00

...born in the dark of night under a blanket of glowing sea parasites rose what is sure to be a useful resource for all of our penis bearing, chest thumping, groin scratching, fart igniting counterparts. For out from under the cover of night comes WHY MEN HATE WOMEN-The Blog.

Before we launch forward into that of the bitchy, the moody, the whiney and dramatic, let me make one thing clear. We, as a female, are down right vicious. We think, nay, we know, you are a fuck-up. The general population of women are smarter then you, we are better then you and we are far more deserving of grand things then you. However, every so often we get a bad link in the chain. Those creatures, which are far more rare then a 3 legged unicorn that shits out golden eggs with the winning lottery ticket numbers stamped into them, will be featured here, in all their glory for one soul purpose...

...Just so you assfuck men have one damn thing to go, "A-HUH! I TOLD YOU I WAS RIGHT!" about. You will only be allowed 1 hour to gloat and wave this fact in front of the nearest woman's face*. Any more then that and I will use you as a speed bump.

Now, please place your trays in their upright positions, buckle your seatbelts and hold on. You're about to kiss my ass goodbye...just kidding! I'm like Genital Warts, I always come back just when you got used to me being gone.

Mary

*WMHW is no responsible or to be held legally liable for any ass kicking, teeth shattering, cattle prod probing, purple nurples or any other forms of bodily harm that may occur due to your actions.