Monday, September 22, 2008

You touched my funny bone

You tied me up and I loved it. -
I met you at that after hours place Switchblade Friday night / Sat morning. We talked for a few hours and then I find myself tied up, you were wearing a clown suit and we were in a dark damp basement. Anyway, I had a great time and I'd like to see you again. Please contact me. Jill

When I first read the headline and then the opening sentences, I thought “tied up” meant that he kept her busy for a few hours. It sounded like the chance meeting of two long lost souls, destine to meet that very night, under that lung blackening smoke cloud right above their heads, giving the “Schmidt Beer” sign enough of a hazy cover that you swore it said, ironically enough, “Shit Beer” instead. It had me tilting my head and letting out that sound us women make at the sight of a cute puppy romping gleefully through Shasta daisies, chasing after the prettiest purple butterfly we’ve ever seen. My heart leapt with joy at the thought of two blissful mates becoming one while a flock of fantail doves took flight into the moonlight.

Then I got smacked upside the head by a 2-day-old slab of road kill that once resembled a raccoon. SAY WHAT? Holy shit! Back the fuck up! Did I just read this right? Suddenly visions of Krusty The Klown on Krack flew into my head like a frying pan flying at a no good cheatin’ spouse in a trailer park.

Apparently Jill thinks a good time involves kidnapping, mold and a lot of white makeup. If you really want to see her ovaries perform the flying trapeze, have shoes 8 sizes too big and a flower that squirts hippopotamus milk when you get punched in the ball sack. As if that isn’t enough, if you come equipped with your very own bug infested leaky basement that smells a lot like your Grandma Jean’s bra after she was working in the garden all day, she’ll be yours until the end of time.
So if you’re the prince charming with a clown suit or fetish, be sure to track Jill down. She’ll be the psycho in the park feeding birds to the pinecones. Bring your own rope.


India Najones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ella said...

Oh, this was great! I think you've been channelling Weasel! Or, as I like to call him now that he's responsible for spawning this website, the Godfather. This was hysterical, good going!
btw, I've been trying to contribute but I just haven't found a great ad yet. The ones for WWHM are so much easier to find!
conclusion- Women who are crazy enough to end up on this website are downright INSANE and should be institutionalized while all men are just generally pigs.

Eccentric_Lady said...

How bizarre...the ad.

Great commentary though Mary!

Mary said...

I'll admit, it has been VERY hard to find material. But I do have 6 or 7 more which I'll be posting through-out the week. I've also found a fantastic resource where the women are nuttier then squrrel shit.

Weasel said...

You're better at this than I am

Mary said...

Hardly, Mike! You have set one hell of a bar and it's hard to reach being that I'm a Blonde Pollack that works in a Casino, which sap every last working braincell I have on a daily basis.

But thanks!

Ella said...

Ooh, whats your source?

Oh, and I don't mean to sound like I'm the acting president and representative of the He-Woman Man Haters Club or anything. I'm just single and these site make me depressed, lol.

You are rather good at this Mary but I think you and the Godfather are just cut from the same cloth. Or bored. Very bored.

Mary said...

I'm finding that has no shortage of ammo, however I haven't posted any of those ads yet. I'm going to TRY to do 1 ad every 2 days.

Until I started doing this, I had no idea how much work Mike put into them and I'm no where near his calibur! Thankfully, I'm not nearly as insecure either. Hehehehe (Just, sorta, kinda, not really kidding, Mike). Mike is by far his worst critic. I figure if it's legible, I'm good to go. God Bless MS Word for finding and fixing my spelling errors!

Ella said...

He is really critical of himself. I think you're right- if spellcheck doesn't yell at you then neither will we :0)

Nosnikta said...

I was actually sitting here AMAZED at how Mike and Mary are both so good at this!

Definitely good entertainment for this old bag! :-)

Mary said...

"I was actually sitting here AMAZED at how Mike and Mary are both so good at this!"

ACK! For future reference, my exhusband's name is Mike and this is the first time in 8 years I have seen those 2 names together in a sentence. I need to go scrub my brain with a toothbrush that has been soaked in Lysol.

CutNJump said...

I dated a Mike as well. No offense intended Weasel, but a sister of my brothers friend once told me "All Mikes are assholes!" Never believed it until I tried it for myself.

If that is true, you seem to be the exception. But then none of us live with or have dated you, so we really can't judge that part fairly now can we?

Number of people who have visited WMHW when they should be working: